I welcome you, I welcome you to Wolf Trap Motel

So. It's my birthday today, and since it's (only) 22.36 (10.36 pm), I am not 16 just yet. The exact time is 22.55, so I still have a few minutes to be 15. I had an enjoyable day. I went shopping with my family and I got presents for me (who else would?) and it was nice. But I don't know. I mean, every day that seems to be okay, it's not, and in the evening/night when I'm alone the loneliness and everything just overwhelms me and I can't think anything else than people who have mates and loved ones, and despite them. Or maybe just be jealous, I don't know.

I don't want to go to school. I really don't. Not here, anyway. Lately I've been regretting not applying anywhere else, but what can I do, I was an idiot. Oh well, I could always drop out, but I don't want to do that, really, because I know it would upset my parents. And because I am not the perfect child, I do not want to let them down once again.

I'm stuck between the person I am and the person who I want to be. I don't really know who I am. I'm me, and I hate to label and categorise myself, I just can't fit anywhere. I don't belong anywhere. Why can't I just stay in my room for the rest of my life. It's the only place where I feel safe, where I don't feel anxious about everything.

I hate feeling like this, especially now. It's my birthday, for fuck's sake. I should be happy and enjoying life, but quite frankly, I am not. At moments like these it seems really bizarre to think that I'd make it to my 20th birthday. Or even 18th or 17th, for crying out loud.

Kinda makes me wonder, am I really one of those people who are destined to live in unhappiness and loneliness? Like, is there anyone who's meant to be with me, or have I done something so bad I must be punished for it for the rest of my life? I don't really know if my parents know that I am lonely. Maybe they do, or maybe they don't. I haven't said anything. I don't feel like saying it. It's like admitting defeat.

Well. I think I'm gonna go away because I bet no one actually reads these and no one actually gives a fuck. I'm tired.

Happy 16th birthday to me.