I could be the one

I've been off meds for a week or two now. I don't feel any different, but... Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe it's all in my fucking useless, mental, quilt-ridden head. I don't know what to do with myself. Then again, I never have. I've never been happy with myself, at least not for as long as I can remember. I've always resented myself. For everything I am, everything I have done and everything I do and say.

It's hard to be around people. It's hard to talk to them. It's hard to look at them while knowing just how much you hate yourself. But the problem isn't that. No, the problem is my inability to let the fuck go. I can't do that. It hurts me so goddamn much to dwell in the past which sure as hell wasn't sugar and rainbows, but I can't let go. No matter how much it hurts, it's... safe. Yeah, it's safe. I am not entirely sure whether I'm here because only I want to, but I am sure that I've been left behind.

I've said this so many times I've lost count, despite not ever keeping any. I can't do anything right. I always say the wrong things, I can do nothing except let people down and hurt them. Which removes my right to be upset when they hurt me in return. I really deserve it all. I do, I fucking do.

But I'm trying. I'm trying so fucking hard. It's difficult, though. Everything keeps reminding me of the mistakes I made with everyone and I can't help but to wonder what should I have done and said to be saved from that bullshit. Should I have been more social when I was younger? Should I have killed myself when the bullying got worse? Should I have done something differently? I reckon I'll never know.

What's done is done. I can't forgive myself, ever, even if everyone who I've ever hurt forgives me. I can't forget, I can't put the past behind me and just move on. I am not like that. Maybe everything does happen for a reason. I wonder what it could've been I did in my previous life. Maybe I burned down an orphanage for puppies.

Whatever it was, all this happens for a reason and if there's ever going to be a chance for me to be truly, utterly happy; I'll take it.

Fucking hell this gets old. It's the same rant every fucking time. And I am so sorry for that.

Once upon a time

I need someone. I just fucking need someone, I need someone to hold me, to hold my hand, to be there for me and tell me everything is eventually going to be okay. I need someone who won't leave me. I need someone who won't fucking walk away.

I'm scared. I'm lonely, I'm tired, I'm sad. I feel like I'm not moving anywhere. If I ever was. The thing is, I don't think I was. I have always been stuck in the past, I don't understand why. I do not want to remember my past, so why can't I move on?

Oh, well. I guess it doesn't matter. Life isn't fair, it never has been. Life's not easy, it was never supposed to be. Maybe I should just shut the fuck up and start doing something to help myself than just sit here, writing about how fucking bad I feel and not do anything about it. I'm fucking pathetic.

There's no one to save me. I have to do that all by myself. All I'm asking for is a bit of help. Someone. Please, anyone. Help me.

The killing speed of time

Hi everyone! So, now I am full of lovely Christmas food and I have gotten some pretty awesome presents (seriously, I nearly cried), and since I am an asshole, I want to share what I got with you. So buckle up and get cozy, we got a long ride ahead of us (um, no, I haven't played Downpour in a while... why?). Oh, and uh couple of my gifts are still on their way, I'll just fill you in when I get them. I will also put some regular Christmas photos in, so it's going to be a long, long post.

Pajamas! I was in a desperate need of ones.

I had been looking for this forever! A bakeware set.

A mix of ingredients to make chocolate muffins.

A cupcake maker, cool.

Those little spoon-like things you use to measure things while baking.

Sorry, it's wonky... But a beautiful picture indeed.

MY FUCKING FAVOURITE CHOCOLATE.

A cupcake and muffin cookbook.

Money, damn, now I only need like a bit over 300 and then I can get a PS4.

Yummies.

More chocolate...

The picture's shitty but it's a wolf-necklace.

Some shampoo and hair conditioner.

A long night shirt (or whatever).

Movie time! Nightmare Before Christmas, Turbo, Frozen, Robots and Ice Age 3.

Two new back cases/covers for my phone.

Fucking awesome shirt...

Also this! Silent Hill, my love.

The cutest thing! A Minion-poster, will put it up tomorrow.

Ever After High: Getting Fairest Apple White. Damn, she's beautiful.

Music! Dead by April's Let the World Know and Attack Attack!'s This Means War.

I think I'll cry now, Naruto's necklace, a mouse pad, stickers and the Bonds movie.

I think I'll cry a bit more. Final Fantasy 13, Metro: Last Light, Kingdom Hearts 2,5 HD Remix and Naruto Shippuden Ultimate Ninja Storm Generations.

Some orange tea.

Earrings and a lovely necklace.

The chocolate cookbook and a cute lip balm.

That's it, folks. I loved everything and I think that I'll go play the games now, and maybe watch the Bonds-movie later (I've been meaning to watch it for a long time but never got around to actually do it, fucking lazy).

Merry Christmas everyone!! Hope you got nice gifts and ate lovely food and had great time with your loved ones.

Doryan the Enlightened

It's almost 0.00 and I have school tomorrow, but I decided to be, once again, pathetic and come vent about my insignificant little life. I wonder what's wrong with me. There's a part of me that wants to put myself out there, be social and, you know, do things. But then, there's a bigger part of me that wants to wrap tighter around myself, wants to crawl deeper into the shell I've built around myself. That part of me that doesn't want to do anything but lay down and die.

And maybe it's just because I am... lonely, and maybe it's not. In a way, I like being alone and I want to be alone. But there's a difference. There's a difference between being lonely and being alone. I don't want a massive group of friends, I have never been any good with those. All I want is one person who doesn't leave me, who is willing to stick with me, who is willing just to be my friend. I reckon there aren't many of those. Hell, I reckon there aren't any of those.

Which is why I am thankful for the few who haven't left. And yet I can't bring myself to hate the ones who have. Why? Because, the sad truth is, I understand why they left. I blamed them when I was younger because I was in denial, I wasn't ready to face that it was all my fault. I remember being 10 or 11 and crying, asking my mum why no one wanted to be my friend. I reckon it's one of the saddest memories I have. I don't cry in front of anyone.

But as years went past, I started seeing all the awful faults everyone else had seen in me, and I started detesting myself. That turned to hate. I often found myself thinking how much easier it would be if I just didn't exist. If I just wasn't here. That was quite easy to imagine, as people who had been big parts of my life pretended I didn't exist anymore. Pretended I wasn't there, like I never meant anything to them. Which I probably didn't.

I am tired. But despite that, I still have dreams. I have things I want to accomplish and do, there are places I want to see. Maybe, just maybe, somewhere deep down, I am not ready to lose them just yet. Maybe I still want to have hope, maybe I still want to believe I can somehow swim through this endless, cold ocean. Maybe I can.

Maybe I can't. Maybe the real thing keeping me down, wearing me down is myself. Destroy what destroys you, right? I am the thing that destroys me. I take it as I have to destroy myself before I can ever be truly happy. If I still can, that is. Maybe I lost my chance. Maybe I did something so bad, so unforgivable that I am doomed to be forever like this.

I often wonder what I should have done differently in order to be happy now. Should I have been more social when I was younger? Should I have made more friends? Should I have been better? I reckon I'll never know. I'm not sure if I want to, though. Maybe this is my destiny.

But maybe something can make me happy again. Maybe there will be a light that will shine upon me, to breathe life into me, to bring me back to life. I want to have hope, I want to believe. It's just hard. Fuck, I am so tired.

Under siege

In five minutes it will be the first of November. It seems like another year has gone so fast, even though this year has been one I will probably never forget. I never thought I would come to, what's the word, hate myself this much. I never thought I would end up so... anxious, lonely and anti-social. Well, I've always been a bit of a lone wolf, and definitely very anti-social, but even more so. I mean... I know that I'm sick. You could say that. Not just physically, but mentally, too. I am exhausted. I never thought I would be this tired with everything. I never thought I would end up hurting myself. And most of all, I never thought I would end up regretting so many things I realise I do now.

It's true that you can't recover from anything unless you put your mind into it. But it's always good to have some motivation to do that, like friends or family. My family is the only reason I'm still holding on. Other than them, I have no one left who to get better for. I've been saying the same thing so many times I'm not sure anyone believes me anymore. Well. Maybe the only reason I keep saying that is the fact that I never really did believe that I'd end up all alone. This week I truly realised how fucked up things are. During the whole week, I have probably said only like 10 words in school altogether. It's hard to believe. When I was in elementary school, I could never shut up. I got more quiet in secondary school, but seeing as I had people to spend the breaks with, I kept talking. And now, in upper secondary school, I don't say anything. I notice my voice is always very gruff, and I know now it's because I never really use it.

I feel like I'm staring at a crossroad with this thing. In many ways, I prefer my own company (yes, that is a movie quote), and I wouldn't even want to be a part of a large group. I never get my voice loud enough. All I really need and want is just one person who would just be there with me. Someone who would be my favourite person, someone who would think of me as their favourite person. All I'm asking for is one person. One person who accepts me and cares about me. One person who will love me, who I can love and accept and care about. Does someone like that exist for me?

I'm running out of hope and excuses anyway. I don't really get to complain, do I? I know people who have it way worse than me. And it hurts to think that people just probably think 'oh, what an attention whore' when they look at me.

I'm sorry, mam, I'm sorry, dad. I'm sorry for being an awful kid. It makes me sadder than anything to think that I have failed you in the most terrible way. Sometimes I just want to tell my parents what's really wrong with me and why do I feel like I feel and what do I generally feel. I never can. I can never get the right words out of my mouth. I never thought I'd actually say or think this, but I'm sorry, sis, for being rubbish. I'm sorry for being such a mistake, such a dick to everyone. I'm sorry, myself, for letting me down. For doing things I cannot fix, for becoming something I always swore I'd never become.

I'm tired. God, I am so tired.

Tribute to the past

They do not care, they never did. They never will. They only blame me. It is okay, really, I blame myself too. I hate myself more than anyone ever could. And I am sure a lot of people do, in their hearts. They might not tell me that, they might want to pretend I do not exist anymore. But I can see it. All the little things they did, the details, I see them now. I understand - when they pretend I am not here, they can be happier, they can forget the things I never will. They can forget the things I did not do for them and hate me today, maybe even tomorrow. If it makes them happier, it's fine by me. Really. If I would not be here, a lot of people would have had happier moments in their pasts. I am only here to fuck things up.

That is all I have done these past years. The guilt is catching up to me, it is eating me alive. I only wish that they could see that they are not the only ones suffering, I wish they could just give me a break. Not that I deserve it, though. I have said all of these things before. To empty walls. They do not care to listen, no one does. They want to move on and they have, they have forgotten everything, everything I never will. I am left here in the past picking up pieces of my heart and soul, shattered across this empty starlight room. Who will pick me up?

I know now why it is always winter in my dreams. Winter is a symbol of ill-health, depression and misfortune, it can also be analogous to how you feel. Emotionally cold and frigid. I know now why someone often has a video camera in my dreams. Someone using a video camera in your dream indicates that you are reflecting back on your past and old memories. I know now why there are of then photographs in my dreams. Photographs in your dream means that you are clinging on to the past and false hope. I know now why there is always snow in my dreams. Snow is a symbol of inhibitions, unexpressed emotions and feelings of frigidity. It can also mean that you feel indifferent, alone and neglected.

It all makes sense now. I understand my dreams have been trying to tell me things - I only now see how well they reflect me. Everything I can never say out lout can be found out from my dreams. When I dream, I often dream of running away from something. Running away from someone in a dream indicates that you are trying to avoid something, or you are not facing your fears. I am fascinated of the things my subconsciousness is trying to tell me in my dreams. My dreams are often very vivid, I can remember certain places. I am always present in my dreams, even though I am not always me.

Maybe one day I can be free, too.

I noticed that this blog actually turned 4 in April 2014. As much as I would love to delete the old posts, I will not. It is funny to see how much I have changed in four years.