I could be the one

I've been off meds for a week or two now. I don't feel any different, but... Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe it's all in my fucking useless, mental, quilt-ridden head. I don't know what to do with myself. Then again, I never have. I've never been happy with myself, at least not for as long as I can remember. I've always resented myself. For everything I am, everything I have done and everything I do and say.

It's hard to be around people. It's hard to talk to them. It's hard to look at them while knowing just how much you hate yourself. But the problem isn't that. No, the problem is my inability to let the fuck go. I can't do that. It hurts me so goddamn much to dwell in the past which sure as hell wasn't sugar and rainbows, but I can't let go. No matter how much it hurts, it's... safe. Yeah, it's safe. I am not entirely sure whether I'm here because only I want to, but I am sure that I've been left behind.

I've said this so many times I've lost count, despite not ever keeping any. I can't do anything right. I always say the wrong things, I can do nothing except let people down and hurt them. Which removes my right to be upset when they hurt me in return. I really deserve it all. I do, I fucking do.

But I'm trying. I'm trying so fucking hard. It's difficult, though. Everything keeps reminding me of the mistakes I made with everyone and I can't help but to wonder what should I have done and said to be saved from that bullshit. Should I have been more social when I was younger? Should I have killed myself when the bullying got worse? Should I have done something differently? I reckon I'll never know.

What's done is done. I can't forgive myself, ever, even if everyone who I've ever hurt forgives me. I can't forget, I can't put the past behind me and just move on. I am not like that. Maybe everything does happen for a reason. I wonder what it could've been I did in my previous life. Maybe I burned down an orphanage for puppies.

Whatever it was, all this happens for a reason and if there's ever going to be a chance for me to be truly, utterly happy; I'll take it.

Fucking hell this gets old. It's the same rant every fucking time. And I am so sorry for that.