I could be the one

I've been off meds for a week or two now. I don't feel any different, but... Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe it's all in my fucking useless, mental, quilt-ridden head. I don't know what to do with myself. Then again, I never have. I've never been happy with myself, at least not for as long as I can remember. I've always resented myself. For everything I am, everything I have done and everything I do and say.

It's hard to be around people. It's hard to talk to them. It's hard to look at them while knowing just how much you hate yourself. But the problem isn't that. No, the problem is my inability to let the fuck go. I can't do that. It hurts me so goddamn much to dwell in the past which sure as hell wasn't sugar and rainbows, but I can't let go. No matter how much it hurts, it's... safe. Yeah, it's safe. I am not entirely sure whether I'm here because only I want to, but I am sure that I've been left behind.

I've said this so many times I've lost count, despite not ever keeping any. I can't do anything right. I always say the wrong things, I can do nothing except let people down and hurt them. Which removes my right to be upset when they hurt me in return. I really deserve it all. I do, I fucking do.

But I'm trying. I'm trying so fucking hard. It's difficult, though. Everything keeps reminding me of the mistakes I made with everyone and I can't help but to wonder what should I have done and said to be saved from that bullshit. Should I have been more social when I was younger? Should I have killed myself when the bullying got worse? Should I have done something differently? I reckon I'll never know.

What's done is done. I can't forgive myself, ever, even if everyone who I've ever hurt forgives me. I can't forget, I can't put the past behind me and just move on. I am not like that. Maybe everything does happen for a reason. I wonder what it could've been I did in my previous life. Maybe I burned down an orphanage for puppies.

Whatever it was, all this happens for a reason and if there's ever going to be a chance for me to be truly, utterly happy; I'll take it.

Fucking hell this gets old. It's the same rant every fucking time. And I am so sorry for that.

Dweller in a dream

I haven't written anything proper for a while, I reckon, so I figured I could now. It's 0.48 at the moment, 13th of December, and as soon as I'm finished with this, I'll go to bed, gotta do some Christmas shopping tomorrow, you see. I could go on another angst-filled rant about how everyone sucks and how much I want to top myself and how bad and miserable I generally feel, but how about I talk about some every day things now, without any extreme angst, yeah? Okay, I'm not promising anything because I can't talk without angst these days.

Okay, what should I start with then? Maybe Christmas. I've always loved it, the whole December is my favourite month (after July, of course), it's just filled with lovely atmosphere and waiting, and it goes by too quickly. We've spent the Christmas eve (which is here, I suppose, more important than the Christmas day itself) the same way for, I don't know, about 16 years now? It's a traditional day and I wouldn't change it for the world. When I was a kid, of course the presents were the main thing. But as I've grown older, I've realised that the most important thing is spending time with family, the atmosphere and everything, and then of course lovely food and nice presents. I just love the Christmas eve, after my birthday it's my favourite day of the year. Somehow, no matter how sad I've been, I can't shake the stupid smile off my face during Christmas. That's why I'm really glad that there's only 12 (11, if you go by the day) nights left, and only a week of school.

Speaking of school, I did quite well on my exams and I am actually rather surprised. I didn't study that much, I've been way too... exhausted to do that, but somehow I managed to get proper grades. I have 9,5 courses done, if I remember correctly, so I think I'm doing rather well. I've got one 5, two 6, two or three 7, two 8 and two 9 (again, if I recall correctly), and that looks pretty good. I'm actually quite surprised that the only thing I'm now dreading when it comes to school is the loneliness. In this term/period I have subjects I really like and I want to do well. It doesn't matter if I can't focus or if I have to push myself to do simple things, like homework.

I got a new medication, even though I haven't started it yet... The possibility of it giving me even more headaches (well, probably migraine in my case) than I already have kinda puts me off, even if it could help me better than the one I had before. I've been having problems with falling asleep, so I got some sleeping pills to help me with that (actually, they're the ones I used to have as anti-depressants, only with a smaller dose). Maybe I'll gather enough courage to start the new medication tomorrow.

Medication reminds me, I had a routine check up regarding my diabetes on Wednesday, and I am glad to say that everything is fine there. My HbA1c (I actually have no idea if that's what it's called, but I've read about it and I assume it is, so deal with it) had gone up a bit, but I am sure I can get it better by the next visit. I had a retinal image analysis done (again, not a fucking clue what it's really called), and everything was fine there too. I was 0,5 cm taller than the last time, so now I am 151,5 cm, and well it's progress. My height used to be a big problem for me, but I am learning to accept the fact and it doesn't bother me nearly as much as it used to (well, probably because I don't get bullied because of it anymore). I had lost 2,5 kg which you may not think is a good thing, but I do. I felt really anxious, as my weight before (in August?) was 51 kg, so I was determined to get it back below 50 and I am so happy with myself that I actually pulled it off! That would mean my current weight is now 48,5 kg... Still looks like a lot, though.

Let's not go there, yeah? Getting bullied about things you can't help really does your head in, even if it happened years ago. Still, looking back, I can see that I've changed a lot, in ways that I never wanted to, but what can I do? It's not entirely my fault that I got so fucked up, even if a big part of it actually is my own doing.

But nothing's really changed. I'm still the same old sarcastic, laid-back one-liner type of a guy, who just turned from a talkative sunshine to a shut-down empty cold hard shell. I'm still tired and I still hate myself, I'm still lonely and I still want to die, but sometimes I think there's a way up. I reckon I can never be the same I used to, but maybe I can get closer to that. Maybe...... Maybe there's still hope for me, yeah? Anyway, I think I should go to bed now. I've got less than 7 hours to sleep, even though I can manage, but still.

Oh, and before I forget - I've picked myself off the ground and have been actually writing stuff again. It feels good.

I know your face all too well, still I wake up alone

So. I'm not sure if I have something to write about, I just felt like it. But let's start with some basics before that, yeah? I turn 16 next week. I'm not sure how I feel about it, it's mint and all that but then again it means another new period of time is starting and I am scared of the future. School starts in about a month and I am dead sure I can't cope. Just the thought of that heart-wrenching loneliness makes me want to jump off a bridge (like my godmother apparently did, funny thing see I haven't heard anything from her in years and then my dad says oh hey did you know your godmother's dead). It makes me want to burn everything.

Apart from that, I haven't done anything remarkable during this summer holiday. It's been over a month, and all I've been doing is losing sleep and spending too much time on the computer. Last night was one of them nights and I slept for 4 hours. There's just something that keeps me awake, maybe I want the time to go slower so that I don't have to face things I dread. Or maybe it's just them thoughts in my head, keeping me awake.

I've been popping pills for a while now, and they haven't had any positive effects. Not yet, at least. I got some stronger ones, and even if they're supposed to help me to sleep, too, they haven't. I do not want to regain happiness with pills only, I just want to be able to do something without pushing myself too hard. These days I can't even start things even if I wanted to, something inside me keeps saying; What's the point?

The future is scary, and for many reasons. Things won't happen in years and still I wonder, how will I survive when my dog passes away, can I go study in the UK after upper secondary school and so on. I cannot bear the thought of having to let go of my dog one day. She means the world to me and and even the thought of being here without her forms oceans in my eyes.

For the longest time, I thought that the hardest question for me to answer would be; What are you afraid of? But now I realise, I've come to the point where the hardest one to answer is; What do you like about yourself or what are you good at. Fuck that, I've been here for a long time, all I am is a fake. All I am is an act, a scene of confidence. When really, my self-esteem is at an all time low and I can't confide in anyone because a) they don't give a flying fuck or b) they have their own problems and I am insignificant.

I like being alone but I hate being lonely. For a while now all I've felt around people is lonely. And stuck. Everyone is moving on with their lives and I'm stuck in the past, I'm stuck somewhere between where everything fell down and where everything fell apart. It's a dark, deep and cold ocean of despair and I can't seem to pull myself up.

I always thought, I always swore I wouldn't be the one to feel down, sad, lonely. Being that cheerful kid I was with a gob I couldn't keep shut, I didn't think for a moment that I'd become this shell with empty eyes and fake smiles, the one who never talks. The one who felt too much and started to shut down.

But it's just this age, innit? Probably every teenager is in some way like this so how could I ever be anything special? How could I have thought I was?

I'm losing too much sleep these days

Today has been a proper bad day, to say the least. It started off alright, however, but then at some point I started being my (apparently) usual, sulky and moody self who snaps at people with no reason. I mean I hate these bloody days, you don't have to say any more than 'hi' to me and I might be attacking you with 'what the fuck are you doing here you twat get well lost' and all that.

Well it's just another bad day among thousands of others like it, so nothing big there. I guess some of it might be because of the new medication, I mean it did say that some side effects might be aggression and anxiety, moodiness probably, I didn't read it dead well but some of it, anyway.

I'm feeling a bit more alright now. I always do when I drink tea, probably that's why I love it so much. I'm currently having a cup (the cup is one of my oldest ones, from my childhood, a Disney one, it has Mickey, Donald, Minnie and Goofy in it, it's proper cute innit) of 'Country Peach Passion' from Celestial. Yummy eh?

Look into my eyes, it's where my demons hide

For the first time in a long, long time, I actually feel like it's all going to be sorted. Well, to be honest, in a way I feel it's not but in another way I feel it will, but I guess you'll never know, yeah? I've been a proper mess for quite a while, and I'm well tired of all this crap. It's mad, innit, and I don't know if I can sort it or not, really.

I started another medication a few days back because the one I previously had gave me a mingy allergic reaction so that was a no go. I don't know if it'll work, but all I really want it to do is to lift my mood a bit (I've been proper moody lately and apparently I'm dead mad, snapping at people for no apparent reason) and maybe give me more energy. It takes me a lot these days just to get up and do something, even the things I love. Well today I was being well active, I baked a lovely cake and I'm quite happy I did.

Also it's not long until the end of school and my birthday, so all I need to do is to get through these couple of weeks, and I've been getting proper grades from tests and exams lately so I'm quite pleased with myself. I'm dead tired but I think I can pull it off. I'm trying not to worry about upper secondary school yet and so far so good... We'll just see how it goes, yeah?

Well right now I'm just glad that things like Netflix and Spotify exist so I can drown all my sorrows into TV programmes and banging music. It's keeping me on my tracks somehow and I believe some day I will rise up from the bottom of this ocean. Just watch me.

Robots for Ronnie

Oh dad, what will we do?

I got another letter from Ronnie's teacher at school

She said, it's almost cruel

None of the other kids think Ronnie's cool

The guys think he's a queer because he doesn't drink beer or watch football

And all the little girls stay away because he's just too fat

A fat little brat

I guess we need robots for Ronnie

A stainless steel group of chums

Robots for Ronnie

A boy and a girl

Maybe an aluminum cat

Every day he's in his room

He doesn't lock the door because he knows it's really no use

I mean, nobody's even been up there

If Ronnie were to blow up, I don't think anyone would care

He doesn't brush his teeth because he never talks to no one

He doesn't wipe his feet because he's never coming in

Comin' in?

I guess we need robots for Ronnie

A stainless steel group of chums

Robots for Ronnie

A boy and a girl

Maybe an aluminum cat

We can talk about the old days

With parties and dances and leads in class plays

But all of the memories he'll have

Are plugging in a friend and shining up a cat

I guess we need robots for Ronnie

A stainless steel group of chums

Robots for Ronnie

A boy and a girl

Maybe an aluminum cat

--

And what was my motive for posting these lyrics? Simple. It's like a mirror of my life (except that I do brush my teeth, I'm not that fat and I do try to wipe my feet if I go somewhere but never mind of that now). But... When I first heard this (it caught my eye because of its title, to be honest), I had to stop, rewind and listen to the lyrics over and over again. Especially the part if Ronnie were to blow up, I don't think anyone would care and none of the other kids think Ronnie's cool.

It spoke to me with the story of a lonely boy, much like myself. And instead of my usual ranting I guess I could tell something about what I've been up to lately, well, that's not much, but anyway. I'm on medication now, so if I seem a bit... bizarre in time being, that's probably because of them. I have been moody, and I haven't been in the mood to start doing anything cool, so I've been playing video games, watching Netflix, reading and writing, mainly. Oh! I've made some progress, though, I have gotten to know a few of my online mates a bit better. You can call that progress, yeah?

But yeah. Physically I am okay at the moment, I'm getting new glasses next week perhaps so I wish that will be the end of some of my headaches. Mentally and emotionally I haven't been 'okay' in a long time, but maybe there's a faint light at the end of my tunnel, too.

And I swear, I'm not going to have a summer job, all I'm going to need next summer is my camera, my laptop, Netflix and maybe some ice cream. And my dog, of course. This was a long post.