So I walked into the haze and a million dirty ways

So, this is it. My summer holiday began today which means that primary school is over for me. I've got 2 and a half months to spend like I want and then, in August, I'm off to upper secondary school (high school, you twats). I really don't want to go. If I would've been smart, I would've applied to a school in another town/city but no. Maybe I'm that much of a masochist that I just want to torture myself by going to school here. How the hell am I s'posed to make it out alive there when I don't 'ave anyone left who'd care (not that they normally would, I find it kind of bizarre 'ow people seem to expect me to care but then they can toss me around anyway they like)?

Maybe I 'ave too much time in my hands now. I reckon it's not good for me to be left alone with my thoughts for too long, but what can I do. I 'ave to put this act up because every time someone who I cared for left my confidence crumpled and I started wondering what the fuck is wrong with me. Something 'as to be. And looking back now, I can't understand how the 'ell I pulled through all that? And now... I'm all alone 'ere. I've got no one to talk to (well technically I do but I don't want to bother 'em), I've got no one to spend time with.

I know that when I get out of this fucking town and this country, I'll never come back. Only to visit, I reckon, but I know I won't stick around. I'm so tired of this place, it's wearing me down. I know I'm asking too much and complaining about things I 'ave caused myself but I really can't help it. Writing like this is the only way I can let some of these fucking emotions out without causing any more damage to anyone, and right now I really don't care who gets mad at me and who goes apeshit.

Is my imagination running away or is all this really happening to me?

So... I've got 9 days of school left altogether (I think so, I don't do maths), which is pretty damn awesome. Then it's all over. This comprehensive school, and then we're all off to wherever we're going - upper secondary school, vocational school... It's kind of funny, I've known some of the people in my class for years, and to think that I won't see most of them next year, or maybe in years, if ever again. I don't have many mates, just a few, so I won't really miss any people particularly. Maybe not the teachers at the school, but the place itself. I don't miss any people or teachers from my elementary school (I reckon I spent some of the worst moments in my life so far there), but I sometimes do miss the place. It's also weird to think that I had my last test in comprehensive school today. It's funny to think about how many tests we've done since the 1st grade.

Well. Now looking back, I reckon I have changed a lot. When I was younger, I couldn't keep my gob shut for more than two seconds, I s'pose, but now... I reckon I don't talk that much. I wouldn't say I'm quiet or shy or anything, I just don't feel like talking much. I like reading. When you read, the book sucks you into its world and you don't have to think about anything else. I also like writing and drawing for the same reasons. I don't know what other people think of me, and I really don't care, but I reckon I could describe myself with words such as anti-social and maybe isolated. I've done that myself, I do realise it, but I can't help but to say that people have done something more than that.

But I'm still me. No matter how much I have changed or how much I will change, I'll always be me. Deep down I'll always be that mouthy, fun-loving laid-back kid who just wants to have fun. Even now, when I'm where I reckon is a deep, dark bottom, I'm still that kid, inside. I can't change that, and I won't. Why should I change myself for someone else?

These days the most present feeling I have is loneliness. It doesn't matter where I am, with who I am, I feel lonely. I feel lonely in a crowded room, I feel lonely with my mate, everywhere. No matter how hard I try, I can't shake that feeling away. It's cruel, innit. To always feel out of place. To always feel you are not wanted, not accepted, no matter where you go. I'd like to get rid of these feelings, maybe all feelings in general. I don't understand them and I definitely don't know what to do with them.

Look into my eyes, it's where my demons hide

For the first time in a long, long time, I actually feel like it's all going to be sorted. Well, to be honest, in a way I feel it's not but in another way I feel it will, but I guess you'll never know, yeah? I've been a proper mess for quite a while, and I'm well tired of all this crap. It's mad, innit, and I don't know if I can sort it or not, really.

I started another medication a few days back because the one I previously had gave me a mingy allergic reaction so that was a no go. I don't know if it'll work, but all I really want it to do is to lift my mood a bit (I've been proper moody lately and apparently I'm dead mad, snapping at people for no apparent reason) and maybe give me more energy. It takes me a lot these days just to get up and do something, even the things I love. Well today I was being well active, I baked a lovely cake and I'm quite happy I did.

Also it's not long until the end of school and my birthday, so all I need to do is to get through these couple of weeks, and I've been getting proper grades from tests and exams lately so I'm quite pleased with myself. I'm dead tired but I think I can pull it off. I'm trying not to worry about upper secondary school yet and so far so good... We'll just see how it goes, yeah?

Well right now I'm just glad that things like Netflix and Spotify exist so I can drown all my sorrows into TV programmes and banging music. It's keeping me on my tracks somehow and I believe some day I will rise up from the bottom of this ocean. Just watch me.

I tried to drown my pain away but my pain learned how to swim

How's life been for the lot of you? Remember when I told you about the medication I was supposed to be on? Turns out I'm somewhat allergic to it, yes, you got it right. I got a nasty allergic reaction from it, I got fever and a painful rash on my back. Luckily I have an appointment to whatever-his-name-is and I'm pretty sure we can fix this problem, yeah.

On the other hand, I feel useless. As far as I'm concerned I'm going to upper secondary school (or high school, you dim-witted twats), and yeah, it's probably the school I want to go to, just not here. I could've applied to others, but I decided to take the easy route and just go for the one that's closest to me. I don't know if that was such a clever thing to do, but we'll see. So far it has given me a shitload of stress, anxiety and casual desperation, and that's a lot to say since I usually don't get stressed over school and such.

And yes, I'm being a pessimistic arse but I highly doubt I'm going to enjoy myself, I feel and I know there's a lot of people who just plainly think I'm a freak and that's all there is to it, but... I don't know. I don't want to say anything because I don't know anything yet, and who knows, it might be a blast but don't get your knickers in a twist. We'll just wait and see, shall we. Summer is not far now and it seems like it's April Fools today.

you bring out the worst in me

sure I do the same for you

Robots for Ronnie

Oh dad, what will we do?

I got another letter from Ronnie's teacher at school

She said, it's almost cruel

None of the other kids think Ronnie's cool

The guys think he's a queer because he doesn't drink beer or watch football

And all the little girls stay away because he's just too fat

A fat little brat

I guess we need robots for Ronnie

A stainless steel group of chums

Robots for Ronnie

A boy and a girl

Maybe an aluminum cat

Every day he's in his room

He doesn't lock the door because he knows it's really no use

I mean, nobody's even been up there

If Ronnie were to blow up, I don't think anyone would care

He doesn't brush his teeth because he never talks to no one

He doesn't wipe his feet because he's never coming in

Comin' in?

I guess we need robots for Ronnie

A stainless steel group of chums

Robots for Ronnie

A boy and a girl

Maybe an aluminum cat

We can talk about the old days

With parties and dances and leads in class plays

But all of the memories he'll have

Are plugging in a friend and shining up a cat

I guess we need robots for Ronnie

A stainless steel group of chums

Robots for Ronnie

A boy and a girl

Maybe an aluminum cat

--

And what was my motive for posting these lyrics? Simple. It's like a mirror of my life (except that I do brush my teeth, I'm not that fat and I do try to wipe my feet if I go somewhere but never mind of that now). But... When I first heard this (it caught my eye because of its title, to be honest), I had to stop, rewind and listen to the lyrics over and over again. Especially the part if Ronnie were to blow up, I don't think anyone would care and none of the other kids think Ronnie's cool.

It spoke to me with the story of a lonely boy, much like myself. And instead of my usual ranting I guess I could tell something about what I've been up to lately, well, that's not much, but anyway. I'm on medication now, so if I seem a bit... bizarre in time being, that's probably because of them. I have been moody, and I haven't been in the mood to start doing anything cool, so I've been playing video games, watching Netflix, reading and writing, mainly. Oh! I've made some progress, though, I have gotten to know a few of my online mates a bit better. You can call that progress, yeah?

But yeah. Physically I am okay at the moment, I'm getting new glasses next week perhaps so I wish that will be the end of some of my headaches. Mentally and emotionally I haven't been 'okay' in a long time, but maybe there's a faint light at the end of my tunnel, too.

And I swear, I'm not going to have a summer job, all I'm going to need next summer is my camera, my laptop, Netflix and maybe some ice cream. And my dog, of course. This was a long post.

let me out of here

No one ever cares, do they? No one loves, no one's there. They hear, but they don't listen. Or they listen, but they don't hear. It's what ever, isn't it, really? Everything... Everyone, they're no good. That's what everyone keeps saying. What are we supposed to believe anymore? Lies, lies, lies. This whole life is a fucking lie. No one loves properly, do they?

So what are you supposed to do, when your whole life falls apart before your very eyes, you can't believe what's happening, everything's supposed to be all right, isn't it? And when it's not... Really fucks you up. But no one can know, can they? What would they do? Call you mental, only care about their own crap. Better not care, it just hurts a lot more, doesn't it?

People say they understand. Now I wonder, do they really? Maybe they do. Someone does, sometimes. But usually... I don't really think they do. They say that so they don't have to deal with other people's problems. It's not your fucking problem, isn't it? I understand, they say, thinking, when are you done ranting over your own bollocks?

So when are we really done? Done with everything, people, life? Life is a complex, I reckon. It is a mystery, and I highly doubt it's ever going to be solved. Maybe some questions are better left without a decent answer, don't you think? But the truth hurts, now doesn't it? And lies... They hurt even more. But that's reality. Life. Really fucks you over, doesn't it?

But don't be afraid, darling. Just do as you're told, smile and hate yourself in the shadows of your mind. It's easier for everyone, isn't it now?