Dweller in a dream

I haven't written anything proper for a while, I reckon, so I figured I could now. It's 0.48 at the moment, 13th of December, and as soon as I'm finished with this, I'll go to bed, gotta do some Christmas shopping tomorrow, you see. I could go on another angst-filled rant about how everyone sucks and how much I want to top myself and how bad and miserable I generally feel, but how about I talk about some every day things now, without any extreme angst, yeah? Okay, I'm not promising anything because I can't talk without angst these days.

Okay, what should I start with then? Maybe Christmas. I've always loved it, the whole December is my favourite month (after July, of course), it's just filled with lovely atmosphere and waiting, and it goes by too quickly. We've spent the Christmas eve (which is here, I suppose, more important than the Christmas day itself) the same way for, I don't know, about 16 years now? It's a traditional day and I wouldn't change it for the world. When I was a kid, of course the presents were the main thing. But as I've grown older, I've realised that the most important thing is spending time with family, the atmosphere and everything, and then of course lovely food and nice presents. I just love the Christmas eve, after my birthday it's my favourite day of the year. Somehow, no matter how sad I've been, I can't shake the stupid smile off my face during Christmas. That's why I'm really glad that there's only 12 (11, if you go by the day) nights left, and only a week of school.

Speaking of school, I did quite well on my exams and I am actually rather surprised. I didn't study that much, I've been way too... exhausted to do that, but somehow I managed to get proper grades. I have 9,5 courses done, if I remember correctly, so I think I'm doing rather well. I've got one 5, two 6, two or three 7, two 8 and two 9 (again, if I recall correctly), and that looks pretty good. I'm actually quite surprised that the only thing I'm now dreading when it comes to school is the loneliness. In this term/period I have subjects I really like and I want to do well. It doesn't matter if I can't focus or if I have to push myself to do simple things, like homework.

I got a new medication, even though I haven't started it yet... The possibility of it giving me even more headaches (well, probably migraine in my case) than I already have kinda puts me off, even if it could help me better than the one I had before. I've been having problems with falling asleep, so I got some sleeping pills to help me with that (actually, they're the ones I used to have as anti-depressants, only with a smaller dose). Maybe I'll gather enough courage to start the new medication tomorrow.

Medication reminds me, I had a routine check up regarding my diabetes on Wednesday, and I am glad to say that everything is fine there. My HbA1c (I actually have no idea if that's what it's called, but I've read about it and I assume it is, so deal with it) had gone up a bit, but I am sure I can get it better by the next visit. I had a retinal image analysis done (again, not a fucking clue what it's really called), and everything was fine there too. I was 0,5 cm taller than the last time, so now I am 151,5 cm, and well it's progress. My height used to be a big problem for me, but I am learning to accept the fact and it doesn't bother me nearly as much as it used to (well, probably because I don't get bullied because of it anymore). I had lost 2,5 kg which you may not think is a good thing, but I do. I felt really anxious, as my weight before (in August?) was 51 kg, so I was determined to get it back below 50 and I am so happy with myself that I actually pulled it off! That would mean my current weight is now 48,5 kg... Still looks like a lot, though.

Let's not go there, yeah? Getting bullied about things you can't help really does your head in, even if it happened years ago. Still, looking back, I can see that I've changed a lot, in ways that I never wanted to, but what can I do? It's not entirely my fault that I got so fucked up, even if a big part of it actually is my own doing.

But nothing's really changed. I'm still the same old sarcastic, laid-back one-liner type of a guy, who just turned from a talkative sunshine to a shut-down empty cold hard shell. I'm still tired and I still hate myself, I'm still lonely and I still want to die, but sometimes I think there's a way up. I reckon I can never be the same I used to, but maybe I can get closer to that. Maybe...... Maybe there's still hope for me, yeah? Anyway, I think I should go to bed now. I've got less than 7 hours to sleep, even though I can manage, but still.

Oh, and before I forget - I've picked myself off the ground and have been actually writing stuff again. It feels good.

Eternal world

I haven't written anything proper for a while and I thought I could now, since I really don't have anything else to do at the moment. It's 1.34 and Saturday the 14th of September. Like you probably know as I said it before, I got sick on Wednesday and I've had fever for 3 days (though I didn't today, yay) so I wasn't at school. Kinda nice, since I sometimes get really stressed and anxious because of school and just need to get out of there for a few days. Anyway, I thought I could do something I don't think I have ever done before.

I'll tell you my story. Not everything, like when and where I was born and what was the first thing I ever ate and whatnot. No, I will start from kindergarten (also because I only remember bits of kindergarten and elementary school, my memory is really bad).

When I was in kindergarten, I was six, my little sister was born. I remember having conflicted feelings about it, as all the staff there were congratulating me and telling me to congratulate my parents too. I mean, I was old enough to know that I wouldn't be the only one getting all the attention anymore and I have to admit, I sometimes still wish I had more attention from my parents, especially since I'm moving away in three years or so. I don't remember much of kindergarten, I had a mate or two and everything was relatively easy. Although I did get punched in the face but I can't really remember it so it's alright.

Next year I went to grade 1, the elementary school. Grade 1 wasn't so bad, I did get picked on but not so much at first, I had a friend who was a year older than me and I had a few mates on my own class, too. During grades 1, 2 and 3 things went a bit downhill for me, as my ''best friend'' would always lead me from one trouble to another. Like, we would always be late and teachers sent notes to my parents and obviously they didn't approve of me being friends with her. I did nothing to avoid these problematic situations, however, I was like a dog on a leash. I practically did everything I was told and looking back, that is probably the reason why I hate being told what to do. It is also why I come off as a bit bossy, I am just scared that someone will put me in a leash again and control me. 

Anywho, in grade 2 I found out that this mate of mine had been talking shit about me behind my back, but since I practically, being the little fucker I was, worshipped her, I did not realise that I couldn't trust her. I was a twat back then, I really was. She was actually one of the people picking on me, calling me whatever names, as it got gradually worse during grade 2. I was constantly being bullied because of my height (which actually led to me having a height complex and it was, for a long time, something I was really embarrassed about), calling me 'pea' or some other things like that. I have always had a round face and I got called names because of that too, I was also called fat and even something about my lips, too. Luckily no one ever picked on me because of my diabetes. 

So grade 2 was the turning point when it all went straight to hell. One thing I'll always remember because it was really so incredibly stupid thing to say but at the time it hurt like hell, and it happened when I was at the cafeteria, going to a table along with my classmates and one of the girls blocked my way and said ''You might want to think about how tall you are''. It doesn't make any fucking sense! Like I could've magically decided that oh hey, I'm going to grow taller, no fucking way, it doesn't work like that. That's just something I think I'll always remember, I suppose.

In grade 3 my so-called ''best mate'' moved away which, even though saddened me at first, led to me doing better at school since I wasn't in trouble after that, at least not so much. At one point, I think it was in early grade 3 or late grade 2, the girls in my class had this stupid thing that each of us should, at their turn, be alone for a week, and guess who they chose first. Yeah, me. And somehow I got left alone after that week, and I couldn't believe that I had actually though that they would do it too. I was a twat, I already told you that. Anyway, at some point in grade 3 I got a mate. I thought that she would always be there and that we'd always be mates. Everything was all fine and dandy.

Grade 4 had nothing special to tell about. I can't remember a lot from it, mainly because nothing really happened. I did still get picked on, occasionally, but not that much. I reckon other people in my class were wondering why was my mate hanging out with her, you know, I've always been 'that weirdo'. It never bothered me, though, I just wish that they would've left me alone with it, instead of constantly reminding me that I was never going to fit in with anyone. And I never did.

In grade 5 my world came crashing down. It was only a few weeks after summer holiday, actually. I had an appointment, for a diabetes check-up, at the hospital, so I was absent that day. I had no idea what was coming and I certainly wasn't prepared. We had just left the hospital, my dad and me. I remember sitting in the car, I even remember the fucking part of the road we were at. Fucking memory, always remembers things I'd rather forget. I remember getting a text. Just a simple text from a mate of mine that said ''She said she hates you''. At first, I was confused. I remember thinking something like who, who is she and why does she hate me? I probably asked something like that. And yes, it was that ''best mate'' of mine. This mate, who had sent me the text, had overheard them people talking near the playground at the schoolyard, talking about me, and my 'mate' had said that she hated me. Next day I went to school and she didn't sit next to me on the bus. I knew then that it had been just a big fucking lie. I hated everyone and everything.

I remember wanting to die. I kept asking myself what did I do wrong. I kept wondering if the others had converted her or if she had been pretending all along. I was confused and I thought I was going mad. Then everything cleared, if only for a while. I got mates, two of them. I've never had so much fun with anyone. We did a lot of stuff together and we always had fun - we hung out, oh those times when I actually went somewhere else to be with someone. I guess I ruined that too. 

When we got into a fight over a thing that didn't matter, one of them 'left' me and the other girl. It wasn't anything big or special, I s'pose, but yet I found myself asking, is it me again? I later on heard that she did in fact blame me for everything. I was mad, yeah, but I couldn't blame her for blaming me. I blamed myself too. I always have blamed myself for losing people and I've always hated myself for my failed friendships. Because I am a worthless piece of shit, that's why.

Anyway, back to the main thing. After it was just my only mate and I, we both got bullied since we shared a love for anime and manga, things obviously too weird for the others. Looking back now, I wonder how did I pull through all that shit. The first time I ever hurt myself was when I was 11. I remember hating the German classes the most. They were probably the reason why I didn't continue German in secondary school. 

Grade 6 went like grade 5, nothing special there. Bullying, but we were always with that 'it's us against the world'-attitude and we had a tendency to say some 'nice' things back to the people who bullied us. At one point that mate we had a fight with blamed us for having no friends, and I do not think I have ever been so ticked off before in my life. I mean. I still do not get it.

So elementary school, basically, was a hell for me and I was so glad to get out. That's why I will stop here, because there was nothing that out of ordinary in secondary school which I want to tell about. Yeah, there were fights and things that led me hurting myself again and left me confused and alone, but I think I learned to accept what I should have in the beginning - the fault is in me. The people who left me, it wasn't their fault and it's not fair to blame them. It was my fault, all along, there's just something in me that pushes people away and that's why no one sticks with me. Or if they do, they'll always have someone who is more important. It's kind of sad, actually, to realise that you're no one's best friend or favourite person.

I want to admit that I am crying while writing this. It brings up memories I do not want to remember anymore, all the things and people and words and places. I am used to putting up a front. People have said to me that I give vague answers and that I appear to be all calm and collected, when I most definitely am not. I just do not want anyone to see me. I like being alone, but I hate being lonely. I am struggling at school every day, every fucking day is filled with anxiety. I see people with their friends, and I realise how alone I am, it hurts. Group projects make me want to impale myself with a pen, I do not function well in a group. My medication sure as hell isn't helping me and I am probably going to regret writing this, but I just need to let it all out. Even if no one is there to read it, even if no one cares.

All I would want to know is that what is wrong with me? Why does everyone do this to me? Is it really my fault? Am I really such a failure? I lie all the time and say I do not think about killing myself or hurting myself. These thoughts are there every day. Sometimes worse, sometimes almost gone. If I could decide, I would never leave my room. I do not like talking about my problems because I always feel like I am bothering people. I am only wrapping myself up tighter in this shell. 

But this is all I have to say for now. I probably won't write anything this long and proper for a while, so... Don't expect it. If anyone even bothers to read this. Oh, who am I kidding. No one gives a fuck. Why should they, since I stopped caring a long time ago? I am not the only one with problems - I get that. That is why I do not talk about my problems - they are insignificant. 

Just like me.

Also I am not naming any names here, as you can tell, and I am not going to name anyone. All these things happened years ago, and they don't really matter anymore.Well, they do for me but not for anyone else.

Have a nice Sunday and stay metal.

Is my imagination running away or is all this really happening to me?

So... I've got 9 days of school left altogether (I think so, I don't do maths), which is pretty damn awesome. Then it's all over. This comprehensive school, and then we're all off to wherever we're going - upper secondary school, vocational school... It's kind of funny, I've known some of the people in my class for years, and to think that I won't see most of them next year, or maybe in years, if ever again. I don't have many mates, just a few, so I won't really miss any people particularly. Maybe not the teachers at the school, but the place itself. I don't miss any people or teachers from my elementary school (I reckon I spent some of the worst moments in my life so far there), but I sometimes do miss the place. It's also weird to think that I had my last test in comprehensive school today. It's funny to think about how many tests we've done since the 1st grade.

Well. Now looking back, I reckon I have changed a lot. When I was younger, I couldn't keep my gob shut for more than two seconds, I s'pose, but now... I reckon I don't talk that much. I wouldn't say I'm quiet or shy or anything, I just don't feel like talking much. I like reading. When you read, the book sucks you into its world and you don't have to think about anything else. I also like writing and drawing for the same reasons. I don't know what other people think of me, and I really don't care, but I reckon I could describe myself with words such as anti-social and maybe isolated. I've done that myself, I do realise it, but I can't help but to say that people have done something more than that.

But I'm still me. No matter how much I have changed or how much I will change, I'll always be me. Deep down I'll always be that mouthy, fun-loving laid-back kid who just wants to have fun. Even now, when I'm where I reckon is a deep, dark bottom, I'm still that kid, inside. I can't change that, and I won't. Why should I change myself for someone else?

These days the most present feeling I have is loneliness. It doesn't matter where I am, with who I am, I feel lonely. I feel lonely in a crowded room, I feel lonely with my mate, everywhere. No matter how hard I try, I can't shake that feeling away. It's cruel, innit. To always feel out of place. To always feel you are not wanted, not accepted, no matter where you go. I'd like to get rid of these feelings, maybe all feelings in general. I don't understand them and I definitely don't know what to do with them.

I tried to drown my pain away but my pain learned how to swim

How's life been for the lot of you? Remember when I told you about the medication I was supposed to be on? Turns out I'm somewhat allergic to it, yes, you got it right. I got a nasty allergic reaction from it, I got fever and a painful rash on my back. Luckily I have an appointment to whatever-his-name-is and I'm pretty sure we can fix this problem, yeah.

On the other hand, I feel useless. As far as I'm concerned I'm going to upper secondary school (or high school, you dim-witted twats), and yeah, it's probably the school I want to go to, just not here. I could've applied to others, but I decided to take the easy route and just go for the one that's closest to me. I don't know if that was such a clever thing to do, but we'll see. So far it has given me a shitload of stress, anxiety and casual desperation, and that's a lot to say since I usually don't get stressed over school and such.

And yes, I'm being a pessimistic arse but I highly doubt I'm going to enjoy myself, I feel and I know there's a lot of people who just plainly think I'm a freak and that's all there is to it, but... I don't know. I don't want to say anything because I don't know anything yet, and who knows, it might be a blast but don't get your knickers in a twist. We'll just wait and see, shall we. Summer is not far now and it seems like it's April Fools today.

you bring out the worst in me

sure I do the same for you