Once upon a time

I need someone. I just fucking need someone, I need someone to hold me, to hold my hand, to be there for me and tell me everything is eventually going to be okay. I need someone who won't leave me. I need someone who won't fucking walk away.

I'm scared. I'm lonely, I'm tired, I'm sad. I feel like I'm not moving anywhere. If I ever was. The thing is, I don't think I was. I have always been stuck in the past, I don't understand why. I do not want to remember my past, so why can't I move on?

Oh, well. I guess it doesn't matter. Life isn't fair, it never has been. Life's not easy, it was never supposed to be. Maybe I should just shut the fuck up and start doing something to help myself than just sit here, writing about how fucking bad I feel and not do anything about it. I'm fucking pathetic.

There's no one to save me. I have to do that all by myself. All I'm asking for is a bit of help. Someone. Please, anyone. Help me.

Dweller in a dream

I haven't written anything proper for a while, I reckon, so I figured I could now. It's 0.48 at the moment, 13th of December, and as soon as I'm finished with this, I'll go to bed, gotta do some Christmas shopping tomorrow, you see. I could go on another angst-filled rant about how everyone sucks and how much I want to top myself and how bad and miserable I generally feel, but how about I talk about some every day things now, without any extreme angst, yeah? Okay, I'm not promising anything because I can't talk without angst these days.

Okay, what should I start with then? Maybe Christmas. I've always loved it, the whole December is my favourite month (after July, of course), it's just filled with lovely atmosphere and waiting, and it goes by too quickly. We've spent the Christmas eve (which is here, I suppose, more important than the Christmas day itself) the same way for, I don't know, about 16 years now? It's a traditional day and I wouldn't change it for the world. When I was a kid, of course the presents were the main thing. But as I've grown older, I've realised that the most important thing is spending time with family, the atmosphere and everything, and then of course lovely food and nice presents. I just love the Christmas eve, after my birthday it's my favourite day of the year. Somehow, no matter how sad I've been, I can't shake the stupid smile off my face during Christmas. That's why I'm really glad that there's only 12 (11, if you go by the day) nights left, and only a week of school.

Speaking of school, I did quite well on my exams and I am actually rather surprised. I didn't study that much, I've been way too... exhausted to do that, but somehow I managed to get proper grades. I have 9,5 courses done, if I remember correctly, so I think I'm doing rather well. I've got one 5, two 6, two or three 7, two 8 and two 9 (again, if I recall correctly), and that looks pretty good. I'm actually quite surprised that the only thing I'm now dreading when it comes to school is the loneliness. In this term/period I have subjects I really like and I want to do well. It doesn't matter if I can't focus or if I have to push myself to do simple things, like homework.

I got a new medication, even though I haven't started it yet... The possibility of it giving me even more headaches (well, probably migraine in my case) than I already have kinda puts me off, even if it could help me better than the one I had before. I've been having problems with falling asleep, so I got some sleeping pills to help me with that (actually, they're the ones I used to have as anti-depressants, only with a smaller dose). Maybe I'll gather enough courage to start the new medication tomorrow.

Medication reminds me, I had a routine check up regarding my diabetes on Wednesday, and I am glad to say that everything is fine there. My HbA1c (I actually have no idea if that's what it's called, but I've read about it and I assume it is, so deal with it) had gone up a bit, but I am sure I can get it better by the next visit. I had a retinal image analysis done (again, not a fucking clue what it's really called), and everything was fine there too. I was 0,5 cm taller than the last time, so now I am 151,5 cm, and well it's progress. My height used to be a big problem for me, but I am learning to accept the fact and it doesn't bother me nearly as much as it used to (well, probably because I don't get bullied because of it anymore). I had lost 2,5 kg which you may not think is a good thing, but I do. I felt really anxious, as my weight before (in August?) was 51 kg, so I was determined to get it back below 50 and I am so happy with myself that I actually pulled it off! That would mean my current weight is now 48,5 kg... Still looks like a lot, though.

Let's not go there, yeah? Getting bullied about things you can't help really does your head in, even if it happened years ago. Still, looking back, I can see that I've changed a lot, in ways that I never wanted to, but what can I do? It's not entirely my fault that I got so fucked up, even if a big part of it actually is my own doing.

But nothing's really changed. I'm still the same old sarcastic, laid-back one-liner type of a guy, who just turned from a talkative sunshine to a shut-down empty cold hard shell. I'm still tired and I still hate myself, I'm still lonely and I still want to die, but sometimes I think there's a way up. I reckon I can never be the same I used to, but maybe I can get closer to that. Maybe...... Maybe there's still hope for me, yeah? Anyway, I think I should go to bed now. I've got less than 7 hours to sleep, even though I can manage, but still.

Oh, and before I forget - I've picked myself off the ground and have been actually writing stuff again. It feels good.

Doryan the Enlightened

It's almost 0.00 and I have school tomorrow, but I decided to be, once again, pathetic and come vent about my insignificant little life. I wonder what's wrong with me. There's a part of me that wants to put myself out there, be social and, you know, do things. But then, there's a bigger part of me that wants to wrap tighter around myself, wants to crawl deeper into the shell I've built around myself. That part of me that doesn't want to do anything but lay down and die.

And maybe it's just because I am... lonely, and maybe it's not. In a way, I like being alone and I want to be alone. But there's a difference. There's a difference between being lonely and being alone. I don't want a massive group of friends, I have never been any good with those. All I want is one person who doesn't leave me, who is willing to stick with me, who is willing just to be my friend. I reckon there aren't many of those. Hell, I reckon there aren't any of those.

Which is why I am thankful for the few who haven't left. And yet I can't bring myself to hate the ones who have. Why? Because, the sad truth is, I understand why they left. I blamed them when I was younger because I was in denial, I wasn't ready to face that it was all my fault. I remember being 10 or 11 and crying, asking my mum why no one wanted to be my friend. I reckon it's one of the saddest memories I have. I don't cry in front of anyone.

But as years went past, I started seeing all the awful faults everyone else had seen in me, and I started detesting myself. That turned to hate. I often found myself thinking how much easier it would be if I just didn't exist. If I just wasn't here. That was quite easy to imagine, as people who had been big parts of my life pretended I didn't exist anymore. Pretended I wasn't there, like I never meant anything to them. Which I probably didn't.

I am tired. But despite that, I still have dreams. I have things I want to accomplish and do, there are places I want to see. Maybe, just maybe, somewhere deep down, I am not ready to lose them just yet. Maybe I still want to have hope, maybe I still want to believe I can somehow swim through this endless, cold ocean. Maybe I can.

Maybe I can't. Maybe the real thing keeping me down, wearing me down is myself. Destroy what destroys you, right? I am the thing that destroys me. I take it as I have to destroy myself before I can ever be truly happy. If I still can, that is. Maybe I lost my chance. Maybe I did something so bad, so unforgivable that I am doomed to be forever like this.

I often wonder what I should have done differently in order to be happy now. Should I have been more social when I was younger? Should I have made more friends? Should I have been better? I reckon I'll never know. I'm not sure if I want to, though. Maybe this is my destiny.

But maybe something can make me happy again. Maybe there will be a light that will shine upon me, to breathe life into me, to bring me back to life. I want to have hope, I want to believe. It's just hard. Fuck, I am so tired.

Under siege

In five minutes it will be the first of November. It seems like another year has gone so fast, even though this year has been one I will probably never forget. I never thought I would come to, what's the word, hate myself this much. I never thought I would end up so... anxious, lonely and anti-social. Well, I've always been a bit of a lone wolf, and definitely very anti-social, but even more so. I mean... I know that I'm sick. You could say that. Not just physically, but mentally, too. I am exhausted. I never thought I would be this tired with everything. I never thought I would end up hurting myself. And most of all, I never thought I would end up regretting so many things I realise I do now.

It's true that you can't recover from anything unless you put your mind into it. But it's always good to have some motivation to do that, like friends or family. My family is the only reason I'm still holding on. Other than them, I have no one left who to get better for. I've been saying the same thing so many times I'm not sure anyone believes me anymore. Well. Maybe the only reason I keep saying that is the fact that I never really did believe that I'd end up all alone. This week I truly realised how fucked up things are. During the whole week, I have probably said only like 10 words in school altogether. It's hard to believe. When I was in elementary school, I could never shut up. I got more quiet in secondary school, but seeing as I had people to spend the breaks with, I kept talking. And now, in upper secondary school, I don't say anything. I notice my voice is always very gruff, and I know now it's because I never really use it.

I feel like I'm staring at a crossroad with this thing. In many ways, I prefer my own company (yes, that is a movie quote), and I wouldn't even want to be a part of a large group. I never get my voice loud enough. All I really need and want is just one person who would just be there with me. Someone who would be my favourite person, someone who would think of me as their favourite person. All I'm asking for is one person. One person who accepts me and cares about me. One person who will love me, who I can love and accept and care about. Does someone like that exist for me?

I'm running out of hope and excuses anyway. I don't really get to complain, do I? I know people who have it way worse than me. And it hurts to think that people just probably think 'oh, what an attention whore' when they look at me.

I'm sorry, mam, I'm sorry, dad. I'm sorry for being an awful kid. It makes me sadder than anything to think that I have failed you in the most terrible way. Sometimes I just want to tell my parents what's really wrong with me and why do I feel like I feel and what do I generally feel. I never can. I can never get the right words out of my mouth. I never thought I'd actually say or think this, but I'm sorry, sis, for being rubbish. I'm sorry for being such a mistake, such a dick to everyone. I'm sorry, myself, for letting me down. For doing things I cannot fix, for becoming something I always swore I'd never become.

I'm tired. God, I am so tired.

Shadowgate

I want to scream, but I can't. I want to cry, but I can't. I want to disappear, but I can't. What the hell am I supposed to do, I can't breathe, my thoughts are like a tornado of the mind, my chest hurts. Everything hurts. All the memories come flooding back and I can't take it. It hurts. They hurt. Everything hurts.

When I was younger I didn't want to blame myself for anything. I wanted to push the blame on other people, because it seemed like something I should do. However, as years went by, I found myself blaming myself for everything that went wrong. A friend moved away. Probably my fault. Friends left me. My fault, it happened so many times, it had to be my fault. I did everything wrong. I must have been a terrible person. Fuck, I still am. I still do everything wrong. I don't care enough, I care too much. I'm too cold, I'm too nice. I have always done everything wrong. And now, I see it so clearly, I have no one left to blame for my uselessness and loneliness but me. Poor, old fucking miserable me.

I did all of this to myself. I made everyone hate me, I made everyone leave me. I was always too different, it's like I deliberately asked for people to treat me like they did. I haven't always been so good to people either. Hell, I must have treated my own friends like shit. I have been so awful to everyone. I always say the wrong things. I don't mean to, I never have, the words just come out of my mouth before I can think and before I know it, I have hurt everyone. And knowing that makes it painful. Knowing that I lost it all by being such a dick to everyone, and knowing that I can never make it up to anyone, I can never get anything back.

I have to suffer now, I realise, because of what I have done in my past. I should have stopped. But I didn't, and I hurt people. I deserve all of this, don't I? I don't have any rights to complain. It's all my fault, really. When I hurt people, I began destroying myself. I just didn't notice it before. But everyone does that, don't they? It's nicer to push the blame on everyone else, it's the easy way out. No. I have had enough. I have to stand up now and take all of this pain now. It's the only way I can make it up. If not to the people I hurt, then to me. I can't forgive myself. I am a terrible person.

It's true, though, everything they said to me. How could I ever have told myself it wasn't, since I repeat the words to myself every day? I have to stand up and face all the suffering. It's the only way I can make myself feel even.

To everyone I have hurt. I am sorry. But I hate myself more than you ever could. I am sorry for everything. I am so sorry for not saying sorry before, for not being able to say sorry, for still not being able to come up and say it. I am pathetic. I am sorry. For everything. Please. I am not asking anyone to forgive me. My guilt is eating me alive. I am sorry. For everything I said and everything I did. I am sorry. I am sorry for being like this. I am sorry for not caring. Or better yet, I did care, I always have fucking cared but I am sorry for not being able to show it like everyone else. I am too damaged for that. God. Excuses after excuses.

I am sorry.

I welcome you, I welcome you to Wolf Trap Motel

So. It's my birthday today, and since it's (only) 22.36 (10.36 pm), I am not 16 just yet. The exact time is 22.55, so I still have a few minutes to be 15. I had an enjoyable day. I went shopping with my family and I got presents for me (who else would?) and it was nice. But I don't know. I mean, every day that seems to be okay, it's not, and in the evening/night when I'm alone the loneliness and everything just overwhelms me and I can't think anything else than people who have mates and loved ones, and despite them. Or maybe just be jealous, I don't know.

I don't want to go to school. I really don't. Not here, anyway. Lately I've been regretting not applying anywhere else, but what can I do, I was an idiot. Oh well, I could always drop out, but I don't want to do that, really, because I know it would upset my parents. And because I am not the perfect child, I do not want to let them down once again.

I'm stuck between the person I am and the person who I want to be. I don't really know who I am. I'm me, and I hate to label and categorise myself, I just can't fit anywhere. I don't belong anywhere. Why can't I just stay in my room for the rest of my life. It's the only place where I feel safe, where I don't feel anxious about everything.

I hate feeling like this, especially now. It's my birthday, for fuck's sake. I should be happy and enjoying life, but quite frankly, I am not. At moments like these it seems really bizarre to think that I'd make it to my 20th birthday. Or even 18th or 17th, for crying out loud.

Kinda makes me wonder, am I really one of those people who are destined to live in unhappiness and loneliness? Like, is there anyone who's meant to be with me, or have I done something so bad I must be punished for it for the rest of my life? I don't really know if my parents know that I am lonely. Maybe they do, or maybe they don't. I haven't said anything. I don't feel like saying it. It's like admitting defeat.

Well. I think I'm gonna go away because I bet no one actually reads these and no one actually gives a fuck. I'm tired.

Happy 16th birthday to me.

Don't be alarmed, it's not the end of the world

Hey everyone. It's currently 0.27 (or 12.27 am), the 9th of July. My birthday is tomorrow, it's mint, like I said, but it's a sad thought that (if not counting my family), it's just another day alone. I can admit that I am jealous of people who have mates to hang out with, and it kills me to spend every day alone. I used to have mates to hang out with, but I don't know... It's like everyone just... forgot about me. It's like I don't exist. Like I am here, but I mean nothing.

I know that's probably not the case, but it feels like it. It makes me sad to look at old photos and it makes me think just what the hell happened? What the hell happened to me? I've never been overly social, nope, but I used to be able to go places without being anxious about it weeks before. I like being alone, but I hate being lonely. The world is outside, and I am scared to go beyond my window. I can see the world passing me by here, but I do nothing about it.

Why? Because I'm a coward, that's why. 

I'm just scared that everything will go wrong in the future and I'm scared of losing everyone and I'm scared of losing my mind in the process. I don't want to be like this forever. It feels like the world is a bus and I always miss it, no matter how fast I run, and if I do make it, I get off at the wrong stop or I forgot to get off completely. 

In a way I've always been alone somehow. I've always been different, I never fit in. I don't want to be like everyone else, though, but I wonder, is it worth all this? When people tell me about how they do all kind of things, I always try to listen and share the joy, but I can't. It makes me hate myself even more. I'm selfish, I've been told that for years but all I really want is to be happy, to feel loved (by someone else than my parents).

It hurts now, but I hope I can pull up. And if, no, when I do, I want to be stronger than I ever have been.

I know your face all too well, still I wake up alone

So. I'm not sure if I have something to write about, I just felt like it. But let's start with some basics before that, yeah? I turn 16 next week. I'm not sure how I feel about it, it's mint and all that but then again it means another new period of time is starting and I am scared of the future. School starts in about a month and I am dead sure I can't cope. Just the thought of that heart-wrenching loneliness makes me want to jump off a bridge (like my godmother apparently did, funny thing see I haven't heard anything from her in years and then my dad says oh hey did you know your godmother's dead). It makes me want to burn everything.

Apart from that, I haven't done anything remarkable during this summer holiday. It's been over a month, and all I've been doing is losing sleep and spending too much time on the computer. Last night was one of them nights and I slept for 4 hours. There's just something that keeps me awake, maybe I want the time to go slower so that I don't have to face things I dread. Or maybe it's just them thoughts in my head, keeping me awake.

I've been popping pills for a while now, and they haven't had any positive effects. Not yet, at least. I got some stronger ones, and even if they're supposed to help me to sleep, too, they haven't. I do not want to regain happiness with pills only, I just want to be able to do something without pushing myself too hard. These days I can't even start things even if I wanted to, something inside me keeps saying; What's the point?

The future is scary, and for many reasons. Things won't happen in years and still I wonder, how will I survive when my dog passes away, can I go study in the UK after upper secondary school and so on. I cannot bear the thought of having to let go of my dog one day. She means the world to me and and even the thought of being here without her forms oceans in my eyes.

For the longest time, I thought that the hardest question for me to answer would be; What are you afraid of? But now I realise, I've come to the point where the hardest one to answer is; What do you like about yourself or what are you good at. Fuck that, I've been here for a long time, all I am is a fake. All I am is an act, a scene of confidence. When really, my self-esteem is at an all time low and I can't confide in anyone because a) they don't give a flying fuck or b) they have their own problems and I am insignificant.

I like being alone but I hate being lonely. For a while now all I've felt around people is lonely. And stuck. Everyone is moving on with their lives and I'm stuck in the past, I'm stuck somewhere between where everything fell down and where everything fell apart. It's a dark, deep and cold ocean of despair and I can't seem to pull myself up.

I always thought, I always swore I wouldn't be the one to feel down, sad, lonely. Being that cheerful kid I was with a gob I couldn't keep shut, I didn't think for a moment that I'd become this shell with empty eyes and fake smiles, the one who never talks. The one who felt too much and started to shut down.

But it's just this age, innit? Probably every teenager is in some way like this so how could I ever be anything special? How could I have thought I was?

Is my imagination running away or is all this really happening to me?

So... I've got 9 days of school left altogether (I think so, I don't do maths), which is pretty damn awesome. Then it's all over. This comprehensive school, and then we're all off to wherever we're going - upper secondary school, vocational school... It's kind of funny, I've known some of the people in my class for years, and to think that I won't see most of them next year, or maybe in years, if ever again. I don't have many mates, just a few, so I won't really miss any people particularly. Maybe not the teachers at the school, but the place itself. I don't miss any people or teachers from my elementary school (I reckon I spent some of the worst moments in my life so far there), but I sometimes do miss the place. It's also weird to think that I had my last test in comprehensive school today. It's funny to think about how many tests we've done since the 1st grade.

Well. Now looking back, I reckon I have changed a lot. When I was younger, I couldn't keep my gob shut for more than two seconds, I s'pose, but now... I reckon I don't talk that much. I wouldn't say I'm quiet or shy or anything, I just don't feel like talking much. I like reading. When you read, the book sucks you into its world and you don't have to think about anything else. I also like writing and drawing for the same reasons. I don't know what other people think of me, and I really don't care, but I reckon I could describe myself with words such as anti-social and maybe isolated. I've done that myself, I do realise it, but I can't help but to say that people have done something more than that.

But I'm still me. No matter how much I have changed or how much I will change, I'll always be me. Deep down I'll always be that mouthy, fun-loving laid-back kid who just wants to have fun. Even now, when I'm where I reckon is a deep, dark bottom, I'm still that kid, inside. I can't change that, and I won't. Why should I change myself for someone else?

These days the most present feeling I have is loneliness. It doesn't matter where I am, with who I am, I feel lonely. I feel lonely in a crowded room, I feel lonely with my mate, everywhere. No matter how hard I try, I can't shake that feeling away. It's cruel, innit. To always feel out of place. To always feel you are not wanted, not accepted, no matter where you go. I'd like to get rid of these feelings, maybe all feelings in general. I don't understand them and I definitely don't know what to do with them.

silent as a butterfly

I'm tired... I just wish I could go to sleep and never wake up...

People would often ask me, and probably everyone, what are they afraid of. For a long time I really didn't know what to say. Maybe all those basic things, like snakes and heartbreaks, but in the end, everyone's going to get their heart broken and feelings hurt. So I thought, what am I afraid of? And now, I think I finally have an answer.

I'm afraid of life. I'm afraid of all the things that could happen, are happening and have happened. Life is... scary. Just think of all the diseases you can get, all kinds of assaults and beatings, never mind all the emotional and mental suffering... It's scary. Life is unpredictable. You can be happy one second and dead the next, and you'll never know how it happened.

That's why I would probably give anything if I could stay in my room for the rest of my life and not to face life. I don't want to find out what's going to happen to me in the future, or what isn't. The events that currently take place are bad enough.

Everyone hurts. And often, when they do, they act like they are the only ones who hurt, feel sad and cry. Well, they're not alone. No one can know how someone feels, so you can't go to someone and just say; stop crying, you're not hurting, you're just faking it all. You can never know. You could be the one who pushes those people over the edge, when they lose it. 

People are eager to blame someone, anyone but themselves for their problems. When in reality, often they create them on their own. People can be triggering and they can hurt you, but in the end, it's in your own head. If you choose to be sad and miserable all the time, you are.

And yet, they don't see how their words, such little words and actions, can hurt someone else so much. So much, even years after they wonder what did they do to deserve to hear that, to be called that. 

I can ask these same questions. What did I do to deserve to get bullied for so many years, to hear all those things they said to me? What did I do to deserve to be left alone, to be thrown away like nothing, to be failed by the people I trusted the most? Maybe I'll never know. Or maybe I already do.

It's because I'm selfish and heartless, isn't it? I've heard that so many times I can't even count. Do you just know how it makes you feel when one time after another you're being told that everything you say and do is wrong, it's like you're not even allowed to speak.

So I ask myself, why do I wear that same smile every day? Why do I keep on going, when I feel like just going away. I wouldn't bother coming back. For some people, it'd be a nightmare. A dream for me, honestly. To be... gone, in a far away place where no one can fuck you up. To disappear, leave all the people behind, maybe start something new. 

With scars from the past, is that really possible? Why can't I... work, just like everyone else? Why am I made of pieces that don't fit together like they're supposed to?

I just want it all to go away. I just want to be happy. 

I don't know if I'll make it but watch how good I fake it

how many times has someone, anyone, told you or let you know in every possible way that it - anything - is your fault? that every little mistake you made, every thing you did, every little word you said... it's your fault. no matter what you did, no matter how hard you tried, still they blame you. 'cause they need someone to push the blame on. and you're just standing there. seemingly fine, fighting inside to make it through every single day in the endless ocean of blank faces, empty expressions, hateful eyes. you broke it. you made it worse. you, you, you. someone was putting the pieces back together, then you came and broke them into tiny shards so that they could never be perfect again. just like you. just like their every word and look does do you. i'm fine, you say, you quickly fake a smile when another piece inside you breaks. pieces that can never be found, can never be put back together again. they want to push you down, they want to break you, so that you can never be complete again, you can never be perfect.

when you look in the mirror, all you see is imperfections. everything you see is just an imperfection. you seem confident to the world, like nothing could break you down. you hate yourself. you are the master of your own disaster, and they blame you for it. they blame you because they know you when they don't know anything about you. i know you would do that, they say, you know they don't know you. all you want to do is smash the mirror into tiny little pieces and leave them there. leave yourself lying on the floor in pieces. you know nothing can make you whole again. every piece they broke, they stole. they don't even see the real you. maybe they see the same as you do when you look in the mirror. an imperfection. or maybe they see what they want to see. a freak, an abandoned, lonely soul who no one gives a rat's ass about.

you should talk and you know it. but you don't want to, you can't. they won't listen, they don't care. it feels like you're alone in this big wide world, doesn't it? you look to the sky, your eyes filled with pain and emptiness at the same time. it's easier to abandon than to be abandoned. wouldn't you know that. you, at least you think so, have never abandoned anyone. you have been abandoned. you have been rejected. left alone, walked over so many times you can't take it anymore. you hear every word they say, the truth and lies behind them, so hard to tell apart. you hear their laughing, pretending you don't know they're whispering about you. you should know, it feels like hell when people talk about you behind your back. when the last one to know about your loneliness is... you. all you see is lies. real eyes realise real lies, right? wouldn't you know. but you know it, no one ever said life would be easy. you just wouldn't call yours a life. it isn't even worth living. everything is... worthless to you. just like you are worthless to everything... and everyone.

millions of thoughts run through your head, they scare you. how could you think that, how could you hate the world, the people in it so much? how could you hate yourself so much? you have now finally come to the point where you can't see past those imperfections anymore. all you see in yourself is lies, what you feel is a lie, you've been living a lie. lies, lies, lies. when most people would cry those lies and every negative feeling out, you're left alone in your corner to sulk in your pathetic emptiness.

you didn't choose to be left stuck in the past, everyone else moving towards the future. no one bothers to come pick you up. they don't want to take dead weight to slow them down. you face the reality, no one wants to take you with them. you are forced to be forever trapped in the abyss you made with your mistakes you cannot fix, your pieces nothing can put back together. it's not no or never anymore. have you given up already? can you not continue this fight anymore?

i understand. all i want is an happy ending. i just want to be happy. then why do i wish i could go to sleep and never wake up? after all, i am the 'you' in this scenario.