Doryan the Enlightened

It's almost 0.00 and I have school tomorrow, but I decided to be, once again, pathetic and come vent about my insignificant little life. I wonder what's wrong with me. There's a part of me that wants to put myself out there, be social and, you know, do things. But then, there's a bigger part of me that wants to wrap tighter around myself, wants to crawl deeper into the shell I've built around myself. That part of me that doesn't want to do anything but lay down and die.

And maybe it's just because I am... lonely, and maybe it's not. In a way, I like being alone and I want to be alone. But there's a difference. There's a difference between being lonely and being alone. I don't want a massive group of friends, I have never been any good with those. All I want is one person who doesn't leave me, who is willing to stick with me, who is willing just to be my friend. I reckon there aren't many of those. Hell, I reckon there aren't any of those.

Which is why I am thankful for the few who haven't left. And yet I can't bring myself to hate the ones who have. Why? Because, the sad truth is, I understand why they left. I blamed them when I was younger because I was in denial, I wasn't ready to face that it was all my fault. I remember being 10 or 11 and crying, asking my mum why no one wanted to be my friend. I reckon it's one of the saddest memories I have. I don't cry in front of anyone.

But as years went past, I started seeing all the awful faults everyone else had seen in me, and I started detesting myself. That turned to hate. I often found myself thinking how much easier it would be if I just didn't exist. If I just wasn't here. That was quite easy to imagine, as people who had been big parts of my life pretended I didn't exist anymore. Pretended I wasn't there, like I never meant anything to them. Which I probably didn't.

I am tired. But despite that, I still have dreams. I have things I want to accomplish and do, there are places I want to see. Maybe, just maybe, somewhere deep down, I am not ready to lose them just yet. Maybe I still want to have hope, maybe I still want to believe I can somehow swim through this endless, cold ocean. Maybe I can.

Maybe I can't. Maybe the real thing keeping me down, wearing me down is myself. Destroy what destroys you, right? I am the thing that destroys me. I take it as I have to destroy myself before I can ever be truly happy. If I still can, that is. Maybe I lost my chance. Maybe I did something so bad, so unforgivable that I am doomed to be forever like this.

I often wonder what I should have done differently in order to be happy now. Should I have been more social when I was younger? Should I have made more friends? Should I have been better? I reckon I'll never know. I'm not sure if I want to, though. Maybe this is my destiny.

But maybe something can make me happy again. Maybe there will be a light that will shine upon me, to breathe life into me, to bring me back to life. I want to have hope, I want to believe. It's just hard. Fuck, I am so tired.

Under siege

In five minutes it will be the first of November. It seems like another year has gone so fast, even though this year has been one I will probably never forget. I never thought I would come to, what's the word, hate myself this much. I never thought I would end up so... anxious, lonely and anti-social. Well, I've always been a bit of a lone wolf, and definitely very anti-social, but even more so. I mean... I know that I'm sick. You could say that. Not just physically, but mentally, too. I am exhausted. I never thought I would be this tired with everything. I never thought I would end up hurting myself. And most of all, I never thought I would end up regretting so many things I realise I do now.

It's true that you can't recover from anything unless you put your mind into it. But it's always good to have some motivation to do that, like friends or family. My family is the only reason I'm still holding on. Other than them, I have no one left who to get better for. I've been saying the same thing so many times I'm not sure anyone believes me anymore. Well. Maybe the only reason I keep saying that is the fact that I never really did believe that I'd end up all alone. This week I truly realised how fucked up things are. During the whole week, I have probably said only like 10 words in school altogether. It's hard to believe. When I was in elementary school, I could never shut up. I got more quiet in secondary school, but seeing as I had people to spend the breaks with, I kept talking. And now, in upper secondary school, I don't say anything. I notice my voice is always very gruff, and I know now it's because I never really use it.

I feel like I'm staring at a crossroad with this thing. In many ways, I prefer my own company (yes, that is a movie quote), and I wouldn't even want to be a part of a large group. I never get my voice loud enough. All I really need and want is just one person who would just be there with me. Someone who would be my favourite person, someone who would think of me as their favourite person. All I'm asking for is one person. One person who accepts me and cares about me. One person who will love me, who I can love and accept and care about. Does someone like that exist for me?

I'm running out of hope and excuses anyway. I don't really get to complain, do I? I know people who have it way worse than me. And it hurts to think that people just probably think 'oh, what an attention whore' when they look at me.

I'm sorry, mam, I'm sorry, dad. I'm sorry for being an awful kid. It makes me sadder than anything to think that I have failed you in the most terrible way. Sometimes I just want to tell my parents what's really wrong with me and why do I feel like I feel and what do I generally feel. I never can. I can never get the right words out of my mouth. I never thought I'd actually say or think this, but I'm sorry, sis, for being rubbish. I'm sorry for being such a mistake, such a dick to everyone. I'm sorry, myself, for letting me down. For doing things I cannot fix, for becoming something I always swore I'd never become.

I'm tired. God, I am so tired.