Don't be alarmed, it's not the end of the world

Hey everyone. It's currently 0.27 (or 12.27 am), the 9th of July. My birthday is tomorrow, it's mint, like I said, but it's a sad thought that (if not counting my family), it's just another day alone. I can admit that I am jealous of people who have mates to hang out with, and it kills me to spend every day alone. I used to have mates to hang out with, but I don't know... It's like everyone just... forgot about me. It's like I don't exist. Like I am here, but I mean nothing.

I know that's probably not the case, but it feels like it. It makes me sad to look at old photos and it makes me think just what the hell happened? What the hell happened to me? I've never been overly social, nope, but I used to be able to go places without being anxious about it weeks before. I like being alone, but I hate being lonely. The world is outside, and I am scared to go beyond my window. I can see the world passing me by here, but I do nothing about it.

Why? Because I'm a coward, that's why. 

I'm just scared that everything will go wrong in the future and I'm scared of losing everyone and I'm scared of losing my mind in the process. I don't want to be like this forever. It feels like the world is a bus and I always miss it, no matter how fast I run, and if I do make it, I get off at the wrong stop or I forgot to get off completely. 

In a way I've always been alone somehow. I've always been different, I never fit in. I don't want to be like everyone else, though, but I wonder, is it worth all this? When people tell me about how they do all kind of things, I always try to listen and share the joy, but I can't. It makes me hate myself even more. I'm selfish, I've been told that for years but all I really want is to be happy, to feel loved (by someone else than my parents).

It hurts now, but I hope I can pull up. And if, no, when I do, I want to be stronger than I ever have been.