Dweller in a dream

I haven't written anything proper for a while, I reckon, so I figured I could now. It's 0.48 at the moment, 13th of December, and as soon as I'm finished with this, I'll go to bed, gotta do some Christmas shopping tomorrow, you see. I could go on another angst-filled rant about how everyone sucks and how much I want to top myself and how bad and miserable I generally feel, but how about I talk about some every day things now, without any extreme angst, yeah? Okay, I'm not promising anything because I can't talk without angst these days.

Okay, what should I start with then? Maybe Christmas. I've always loved it, the whole December is my favourite month (after July, of course), it's just filled with lovely atmosphere and waiting, and it goes by too quickly. We've spent the Christmas eve (which is here, I suppose, more important than the Christmas day itself) the same way for, I don't know, about 16 years now? It's a traditional day and I wouldn't change it for the world. When I was a kid, of course the presents were the main thing. But as I've grown older, I've realised that the most important thing is spending time with family, the atmosphere and everything, and then of course lovely food and nice presents. I just love the Christmas eve, after my birthday it's my favourite day of the year. Somehow, no matter how sad I've been, I can't shake the stupid smile off my face during Christmas. That's why I'm really glad that there's only 12 (11, if you go by the day) nights left, and only a week of school.

Speaking of school, I did quite well on my exams and I am actually rather surprised. I didn't study that much, I've been way too... exhausted to do that, but somehow I managed to get proper grades. I have 9,5 courses done, if I remember correctly, so I think I'm doing rather well. I've got one 5, two 6, two or three 7, two 8 and two 9 (again, if I recall correctly), and that looks pretty good. I'm actually quite surprised that the only thing I'm now dreading when it comes to school is the loneliness. In this term/period I have subjects I really like and I want to do well. It doesn't matter if I can't focus or if I have to push myself to do simple things, like homework.

I got a new medication, even though I haven't started it yet... The possibility of it giving me even more headaches (well, probably migraine in my case) than I already have kinda puts me off, even if it could help me better than the one I had before. I've been having problems with falling asleep, so I got some sleeping pills to help me with that (actually, they're the ones I used to have as anti-depressants, only with a smaller dose). Maybe I'll gather enough courage to start the new medication tomorrow.

Medication reminds me, I had a routine check up regarding my diabetes on Wednesday, and I am glad to say that everything is fine there. My HbA1c (I actually have no idea if that's what it's called, but I've read about it and I assume it is, so deal with it) had gone up a bit, but I am sure I can get it better by the next visit. I had a retinal image analysis done (again, not a fucking clue what it's really called), and everything was fine there too. I was 0,5 cm taller than the last time, so now I am 151,5 cm, and well it's progress. My height used to be a big problem for me, but I am learning to accept the fact and it doesn't bother me nearly as much as it used to (well, probably because I don't get bullied because of it anymore). I had lost 2,5 kg which you may not think is a good thing, but I do. I felt really anxious, as my weight before (in August?) was 51 kg, so I was determined to get it back below 50 and I am so happy with myself that I actually pulled it off! That would mean my current weight is now 48,5 kg... Still looks like a lot, though.

Let's not go there, yeah? Getting bullied about things you can't help really does your head in, even if it happened years ago. Still, looking back, I can see that I've changed a lot, in ways that I never wanted to, but what can I do? It's not entirely my fault that I got so fucked up, even if a big part of it actually is my own doing.

But nothing's really changed. I'm still the same old sarcastic, laid-back one-liner type of a guy, who just turned from a talkative sunshine to a shut-down empty cold hard shell. I'm still tired and I still hate myself, I'm still lonely and I still want to die, but sometimes I think there's a way up. I reckon I can never be the same I used to, but maybe I can get closer to that. Maybe...... Maybe there's still hope for me, yeah? Anyway, I think I should go to bed now. I've got less than 7 hours to sleep, even though I can manage, but still.

Oh, and before I forget - I've picked myself off the ground and have been actually writing stuff again. It feels good.