Shadowgate

I want to scream, but I can't. I want to cry, but I can't. I want to disappear, but I can't. What the hell am I supposed to do, I can't breathe, my thoughts are like a tornado of the mind, my chest hurts. Everything hurts. All the memories come flooding back and I can't take it. It hurts. They hurt. Everything hurts.

When I was younger I didn't want to blame myself for anything. I wanted to push the blame on other people, because it seemed like something I should do. However, as years went by, I found myself blaming myself for everything that went wrong. A friend moved away. Probably my fault. Friends left me. My fault, it happened so many times, it had to be my fault. I did everything wrong. I must have been a terrible person. Fuck, I still am. I still do everything wrong. I don't care enough, I care too much. I'm too cold, I'm too nice. I have always done everything wrong. And now, I see it so clearly, I have no one left to blame for my uselessness and loneliness but me. Poor, old fucking miserable me.

I did all of this to myself. I made everyone hate me, I made everyone leave me. I was always too different, it's like I deliberately asked for people to treat me like they did. I haven't always been so good to people either. Hell, I must have treated my own friends like shit. I have been so awful to everyone. I always say the wrong things. I don't mean to, I never have, the words just come out of my mouth before I can think and before I know it, I have hurt everyone. And knowing that makes it painful. Knowing that I lost it all by being such a dick to everyone, and knowing that I can never make it up to anyone, I can never get anything back.

I have to suffer now, I realise, because of what I have done in my past. I should have stopped. But I didn't, and I hurt people. I deserve all of this, don't I? I don't have any rights to complain. It's all my fault, really. When I hurt people, I began destroying myself. I just didn't notice it before. But everyone does that, don't they? It's nicer to push the blame on everyone else, it's the easy way out. No. I have had enough. I have to stand up now and take all of this pain now. It's the only way I can make it up. If not to the people I hurt, then to me. I can't forgive myself. I am a terrible person.

It's true, though, everything they said to me. How could I ever have told myself it wasn't, since I repeat the words to myself every day? I have to stand up and face all the suffering. It's the only way I can make myself feel even.

To everyone I have hurt. I am sorry. But I hate myself more than you ever could. I am sorry for everything. I am so sorry for not saying sorry before, for not being able to say sorry, for still not being able to come up and say it. I am pathetic. I am sorry. For everything. Please. I am not asking anyone to forgive me. My guilt is eating me alive. I am sorry. For everything I said and everything I did. I am sorry. I am sorry for being like this. I am sorry for not caring. Or better yet, I did care, I always have fucking cared but I am sorry for not being able to show it like everyone else. I am too damaged for that. God. Excuses after excuses.

I am sorry.