Shadowgate

I want to scream, but I can't. I want to cry, but I can't. I want to disappear, but I can't. What the hell am I supposed to do, I can't breathe, my thoughts are like a tornado of the mind, my chest hurts. Everything hurts. All the memories come flooding back and I can't take it. It hurts. They hurt. Everything hurts.

When I was younger I didn't want to blame myself for anything. I wanted to push the blame on other people, because it seemed like something I should do. However, as years went by, I found myself blaming myself for everything that went wrong. A friend moved away. Probably my fault. Friends left me. My fault, it happened so many times, it had to be my fault. I did everything wrong. I must have been a terrible person. Fuck, I still am. I still do everything wrong. I don't care enough, I care too much. I'm too cold, I'm too nice. I have always done everything wrong. And now, I see it so clearly, I have no one left to blame for my uselessness and loneliness but me. Poor, old fucking miserable me.

I did all of this to myself. I made everyone hate me, I made everyone leave me. I was always too different, it's like I deliberately asked for people to treat me like they did. I haven't always been so good to people either. Hell, I must have treated my own friends like shit. I have been so awful to everyone. I always say the wrong things. I don't mean to, I never have, the words just come out of my mouth before I can think and before I know it, I have hurt everyone. And knowing that makes it painful. Knowing that I lost it all by being such a dick to everyone, and knowing that I can never make it up to anyone, I can never get anything back.

I have to suffer now, I realise, because of what I have done in my past. I should have stopped. But I didn't, and I hurt people. I deserve all of this, don't I? I don't have any rights to complain. It's all my fault, really. When I hurt people, I began destroying myself. I just didn't notice it before. But everyone does that, don't they? It's nicer to push the blame on everyone else, it's the easy way out. No. I have had enough. I have to stand up now and take all of this pain now. It's the only way I can make it up. If not to the people I hurt, then to me. I can't forgive myself. I am a terrible person.

It's true, though, everything they said to me. How could I ever have told myself it wasn't, since I repeat the words to myself every day? I have to stand up and face all the suffering. It's the only way I can make myself feel even.

To everyone I have hurt. I am sorry. But I hate myself more than you ever could. I am sorry for everything. I am so sorry for not saying sorry before, for not being able to say sorry, for still not being able to come up and say it. I am pathetic. I am sorry. For everything. Please. I am not asking anyone to forgive me. My guilt is eating me alive. I am sorry. For everything I said and everything I did. I am sorry. I am sorry for being like this. I am sorry for not caring. Or better yet, I did care, I always have fucking cared but I am sorry for not being able to show it like everyone else. I am too damaged for that. God. Excuses after excuses.

I am sorry.

I don't know if I'll make it but watch how good I fake it

how many times has someone, anyone, told you or let you know in every possible way that it - anything - is your fault? that every little mistake you made, every thing you did, every little word you said... it's your fault. no matter what you did, no matter how hard you tried, still they blame you. 'cause they need someone to push the blame on. and you're just standing there. seemingly fine, fighting inside to make it through every single day in the endless ocean of blank faces, empty expressions, hateful eyes. you broke it. you made it worse. you, you, you. someone was putting the pieces back together, then you came and broke them into tiny shards so that they could never be perfect again. just like you. just like their every word and look does do you. i'm fine, you say, you quickly fake a smile when another piece inside you breaks. pieces that can never be found, can never be put back together again. they want to push you down, they want to break you, so that you can never be complete again, you can never be perfect.

when you look in the mirror, all you see is imperfections. everything you see is just an imperfection. you seem confident to the world, like nothing could break you down. you hate yourself. you are the master of your own disaster, and they blame you for it. they blame you because they know you when they don't know anything about you. i know you would do that, they say, you know they don't know you. all you want to do is smash the mirror into tiny little pieces and leave them there. leave yourself lying on the floor in pieces. you know nothing can make you whole again. every piece they broke, they stole. they don't even see the real you. maybe they see the same as you do when you look in the mirror. an imperfection. or maybe they see what they want to see. a freak, an abandoned, lonely soul who no one gives a rat's ass about.

you should talk and you know it. but you don't want to, you can't. they won't listen, they don't care. it feels like you're alone in this big wide world, doesn't it? you look to the sky, your eyes filled with pain and emptiness at the same time. it's easier to abandon than to be abandoned. wouldn't you know that. you, at least you think so, have never abandoned anyone. you have been abandoned. you have been rejected. left alone, walked over so many times you can't take it anymore. you hear every word they say, the truth and lies behind them, so hard to tell apart. you hear their laughing, pretending you don't know they're whispering about you. you should know, it feels like hell when people talk about you behind your back. when the last one to know about your loneliness is... you. all you see is lies. real eyes realise real lies, right? wouldn't you know. but you know it, no one ever said life would be easy. you just wouldn't call yours a life. it isn't even worth living. everything is... worthless to you. just like you are worthless to everything... and everyone.

millions of thoughts run through your head, they scare you. how could you think that, how could you hate the world, the people in it so much? how could you hate yourself so much? you have now finally come to the point where you can't see past those imperfections anymore. all you see in yourself is lies, what you feel is a lie, you've been living a lie. lies, lies, lies. when most people would cry those lies and every negative feeling out, you're left alone in your corner to sulk in your pathetic emptiness.

you didn't choose to be left stuck in the past, everyone else moving towards the future. no one bothers to come pick you up. they don't want to take dead weight to slow them down. you face the reality, no one wants to take you with them. you are forced to be forever trapped in the abyss you made with your mistakes you cannot fix, your pieces nothing can put back together. it's not no or never anymore. have you given up already? can you not continue this fight anymore?

i understand. all i want is an happy ending. i just want to be happy. then why do i wish i could go to sleep and never wake up? after all, i am the 'you' in this scenario.