I know your face all too well, still I wake up alone

So. I'm not sure if I have something to write about, I just felt like it. But let's start with some basics before that, yeah? I turn 16 next week. I'm not sure how I feel about it, it's mint and all that but then again it means another new period of time is starting and I am scared of the future. School starts in about a month and I am dead sure I can't cope. Just the thought of that heart-wrenching loneliness makes me want to jump off a bridge (like my godmother apparently did, funny thing see I haven't heard anything from her in years and then my dad says oh hey did you know your godmother's dead). It makes me want to burn everything.

Apart from that, I haven't done anything remarkable during this summer holiday. It's been over a month, and all I've been doing is losing sleep and spending too much time on the computer. Last night was one of them nights and I slept for 4 hours. There's just something that keeps me awake, maybe I want the time to go slower so that I don't have to face things I dread. Or maybe it's just them thoughts in my head, keeping me awake.

I've been popping pills for a while now, and they haven't had any positive effects. Not yet, at least. I got some stronger ones, and even if they're supposed to help me to sleep, too, they haven't. I do not want to regain happiness with pills only, I just want to be able to do something without pushing myself too hard. These days I can't even start things even if I wanted to, something inside me keeps saying; What's the point?

The future is scary, and for many reasons. Things won't happen in years and still I wonder, how will I survive when my dog passes away, can I go study in the UK after upper secondary school and so on. I cannot bear the thought of having to let go of my dog one day. She means the world to me and and even the thought of being here without her forms oceans in my eyes.

For the longest time, I thought that the hardest question for me to answer would be; What are you afraid of? But now I realise, I've come to the point where the hardest one to answer is; What do you like about yourself or what are you good at. Fuck that, I've been here for a long time, all I am is a fake. All I am is an act, a scene of confidence. When really, my self-esteem is at an all time low and I can't confide in anyone because a) they don't give a flying fuck or b) they have their own problems and I am insignificant.

I like being alone but I hate being lonely. For a while now all I've felt around people is lonely. And stuck. Everyone is moving on with their lives and I'm stuck in the past, I'm stuck somewhere between where everything fell down and where everything fell apart. It's a dark, deep and cold ocean of despair and I can't seem to pull myself up.

I always thought, I always swore I wouldn't be the one to feel down, sad, lonely. Being that cheerful kid I was with a gob I couldn't keep shut, I didn't think for a moment that I'd become this shell with empty eyes and fake smiles, the one who never talks. The one who felt too much and started to shut down.

But it's just this age, innit? Probably every teenager is in some way like this so how could I ever be anything special? How could I have thought I was?