silent as a butterfly

I'm tired... I just wish I could go to sleep and never wake up...

People would often ask me, and probably everyone, what are they afraid of. For a long time I really didn't know what to say. Maybe all those basic things, like snakes and heartbreaks, but in the end, everyone's going to get their heart broken and feelings hurt. So I thought, what am I afraid of? And now, I think I finally have an answer.

I'm afraid of life. I'm afraid of all the things that could happen, are happening and have happened. Life is... scary. Just think of all the diseases you can get, all kinds of assaults and beatings, never mind all the emotional and mental suffering... It's scary. Life is unpredictable. You can be happy one second and dead the next, and you'll never know how it happened.

That's why I would probably give anything if I could stay in my room for the rest of my life and not to face life. I don't want to find out what's going to happen to me in the future, or what isn't. The events that currently take place are bad enough.

Everyone hurts. And often, when they do, they act like they are the only ones who hurt, feel sad and cry. Well, they're not alone. No one can know how someone feels, so you can't go to someone and just say; stop crying, you're not hurting, you're just faking it all. You can never know. You could be the one who pushes those people over the edge, when they lose it. 

People are eager to blame someone, anyone but themselves for their problems. When in reality, often they create them on their own. People can be triggering and they can hurt you, but in the end, it's in your own head. If you choose to be sad and miserable all the time, you are.

And yet, they don't see how their words, such little words and actions, can hurt someone else so much. So much, even years after they wonder what did they do to deserve to hear that, to be called that. 

I can ask these same questions. What did I do to deserve to get bullied for so many years, to hear all those things they said to me? What did I do to deserve to be left alone, to be thrown away like nothing, to be failed by the people I trusted the most? Maybe I'll never know. Or maybe I already do.

It's because I'm selfish and heartless, isn't it? I've heard that so many times I can't even count. Do you just know how it makes you feel when one time after another you're being told that everything you say and do is wrong, it's like you're not even allowed to speak.

So I ask myself, why do I wear that same smile every day? Why do I keep on going, when I feel like just going away. I wouldn't bother coming back. For some people, it'd be a nightmare. A dream for me, honestly. To be... gone, in a far away place where no one can fuck you up. To disappear, leave all the people behind, maybe start something new. 

With scars from the past, is that really possible? Why can't I... work, just like everyone else? Why am I made of pieces that don't fit together like they're supposed to?

I just want it all to go away. I just want to be happy.