Eternal world

I haven't written anything proper for a while and I thought I could now, since I really don't have anything else to do at the moment. It's 1.34 and Saturday the 14th of September. Like you probably know as I said it before, I got sick on Wednesday and I've had fever for 3 days (though I didn't today, yay) so I wasn't at school. Kinda nice, since I sometimes get really stressed and anxious because of school and just need to get out of there for a few days. Anyway, I thought I could do something I don't think I have ever done before.

I'll tell you my story. Not everything, like when and where I was born and what was the first thing I ever ate and whatnot. No, I will start from kindergarten (also because I only remember bits of kindergarten and elementary school, my memory is really bad).

When I was in kindergarten, I was six, my little sister was born. I remember having conflicted feelings about it, as all the staff there were congratulating me and telling me to congratulate my parents too. I mean, I was old enough to know that I wouldn't be the only one getting all the attention anymore and I have to admit, I sometimes still wish I had more attention from my parents, especially since I'm moving away in three years or so. I don't remember much of kindergarten, I had a mate or two and everything was relatively easy. Although I did get punched in the face but I can't really remember it so it's alright.

Next year I went to grade 1, the elementary school. Grade 1 wasn't so bad, I did get picked on but not so much at first, I had a friend who was a year older than me and I had a few mates on my own class, too. During grades 1, 2 and 3 things went a bit downhill for me, as my ''best friend'' would always lead me from one trouble to another. Like, we would always be late and teachers sent notes to my parents and obviously they didn't approve of me being friends with her. I did nothing to avoid these problematic situations, however, I was like a dog on a leash. I practically did everything I was told and looking back, that is probably the reason why I hate being told what to do. It is also why I come off as a bit bossy, I am just scared that someone will put me in a leash again and control me. 

Anywho, in grade 2 I found out that this mate of mine had been talking shit about me behind my back, but since I practically, being the little fucker I was, worshipped her, I did not realise that I couldn't trust her. I was a twat back then, I really was. She was actually one of the people picking on me, calling me whatever names, as it got gradually worse during grade 2. I was constantly being bullied because of my height (which actually led to me having a height complex and it was, for a long time, something I was really embarrassed about), calling me 'pea' or some other things like that. I have always had a round face and I got called names because of that too, I was also called fat and even something about my lips, too. Luckily no one ever picked on me because of my diabetes. 

So grade 2 was the turning point when it all went straight to hell. One thing I'll always remember because it was really so incredibly stupid thing to say but at the time it hurt like hell, and it happened when I was at the cafeteria, going to a table along with my classmates and one of the girls blocked my way and said ''You might want to think about how tall you are''. It doesn't make any fucking sense! Like I could've magically decided that oh hey, I'm going to grow taller, no fucking way, it doesn't work like that. That's just something I think I'll always remember, I suppose.

In grade 3 my so-called ''best mate'' moved away which, even though saddened me at first, led to me doing better at school since I wasn't in trouble after that, at least not so much. At one point, I think it was in early grade 3 or late grade 2, the girls in my class had this stupid thing that each of us should, at their turn, be alone for a week, and guess who they chose first. Yeah, me. And somehow I got left alone after that week, and I couldn't believe that I had actually though that they would do it too. I was a twat, I already told you that. Anyway, at some point in grade 3 I got a mate. I thought that she would always be there and that we'd always be mates. Everything was all fine and dandy.

Grade 4 had nothing special to tell about. I can't remember a lot from it, mainly because nothing really happened. I did still get picked on, occasionally, but not that much. I reckon other people in my class were wondering why was my mate hanging out with her, you know, I've always been 'that weirdo'. It never bothered me, though, I just wish that they would've left me alone with it, instead of constantly reminding me that I was never going to fit in with anyone. And I never did.

In grade 5 my world came crashing down. It was only a few weeks after summer holiday, actually. I had an appointment, for a diabetes check-up, at the hospital, so I was absent that day. I had no idea what was coming and I certainly wasn't prepared. We had just left the hospital, my dad and me. I remember sitting in the car, I even remember the fucking part of the road we were at. Fucking memory, always remembers things I'd rather forget. I remember getting a text. Just a simple text from a mate of mine that said ''She said she hates you''. At first, I was confused. I remember thinking something like who, who is she and why does she hate me? I probably asked something like that. And yes, it was that ''best mate'' of mine. This mate, who had sent me the text, had overheard them people talking near the playground at the schoolyard, talking about me, and my 'mate' had said that she hated me. Next day I went to school and she didn't sit next to me on the bus. I knew then that it had been just a big fucking lie. I hated everyone and everything.

I remember wanting to die. I kept asking myself what did I do wrong. I kept wondering if the others had converted her or if she had been pretending all along. I was confused and I thought I was going mad. Then everything cleared, if only for a while. I got mates, two of them. I've never had so much fun with anyone. We did a lot of stuff together and we always had fun - we hung out, oh those times when I actually went somewhere else to be with someone. I guess I ruined that too. 

When we got into a fight over a thing that didn't matter, one of them 'left' me and the other girl. It wasn't anything big or special, I s'pose, but yet I found myself asking, is it me again? I later on heard that she did in fact blame me for everything. I was mad, yeah, but I couldn't blame her for blaming me. I blamed myself too. I always have blamed myself for losing people and I've always hated myself for my failed friendships. Because I am a worthless piece of shit, that's why.

Anyway, back to the main thing. After it was just my only mate and I, we both got bullied since we shared a love for anime and manga, things obviously too weird for the others. Looking back now, I wonder how did I pull through all that shit. The first time I ever hurt myself was when I was 11. I remember hating the German classes the most. They were probably the reason why I didn't continue German in secondary school. 

Grade 6 went like grade 5, nothing special there. Bullying, but we were always with that 'it's us against the world'-attitude and we had a tendency to say some 'nice' things back to the people who bullied us. At one point that mate we had a fight with blamed us for having no friends, and I do not think I have ever been so ticked off before in my life. I mean. I still do not get it.

So elementary school, basically, was a hell for me and I was so glad to get out. That's why I will stop here, because there was nothing that out of ordinary in secondary school which I want to tell about. Yeah, there were fights and things that led me hurting myself again and left me confused and alone, but I think I learned to accept what I should have in the beginning - the fault is in me. The people who left me, it wasn't their fault and it's not fair to blame them. It was my fault, all along, there's just something in me that pushes people away and that's why no one sticks with me. Or if they do, they'll always have someone who is more important. It's kind of sad, actually, to realise that you're no one's best friend or favourite person.

I want to admit that I am crying while writing this. It brings up memories I do not want to remember anymore, all the things and people and words and places. I am used to putting up a front. People have said to me that I give vague answers and that I appear to be all calm and collected, when I most definitely am not. I just do not want anyone to see me. I like being alone, but I hate being lonely. I am struggling at school every day, every fucking day is filled with anxiety. I see people with their friends, and I realise how alone I am, it hurts. Group projects make me want to impale myself with a pen, I do not function well in a group. My medication sure as hell isn't helping me and I am probably going to regret writing this, but I just need to let it all out. Even if no one is there to read it, even if no one cares.

All I would want to know is that what is wrong with me? Why does everyone do this to me? Is it really my fault? Am I really such a failure? I lie all the time and say I do not think about killing myself or hurting myself. These thoughts are there every day. Sometimes worse, sometimes almost gone. If I could decide, I would never leave my room. I do not like talking about my problems because I always feel like I am bothering people. I am only wrapping myself up tighter in this shell. 

But this is all I have to say for now. I probably won't write anything this long and proper for a while, so... Don't expect it. If anyone even bothers to read this. Oh, who am I kidding. No one gives a fuck. Why should they, since I stopped caring a long time ago? I am not the only one with problems - I get that. That is why I do not talk about my problems - they are insignificant. 

Just like me.

Also I am not naming any names here, as you can tell, and I am not going to name anyone. All these things happened years ago, and they don't really matter anymore.Well, they do for me but not for anyone else.

Have a nice Sunday and stay metal.