Tribute to the past

They do not care, they never did. They never will. They only blame me. It is okay, really, I blame myself too. I hate myself more than anyone ever could. And I am sure a lot of people do, in their hearts. They might not tell me that, they might want to pretend I do not exist anymore. But I can see it. All the little things they did, the details, I see them now. I understand - when they pretend I am not here, they can be happier, they can forget the things I never will. They can forget the things I did not do for them and hate me today, maybe even tomorrow. If it makes them happier, it's fine by me. Really. If I would not be here, a lot of people would have had happier moments in their pasts. I am only here to fuck things up.

That is all I have done these past years. The guilt is catching up to me, it is eating me alive. I only wish that they could see that they are not the only ones suffering, I wish they could just give me a break. Not that I deserve it, though. I have said all of these things before. To empty walls. They do not care to listen, no one does. They want to move on and they have, they have forgotten everything, everything I never will. I am left here in the past picking up pieces of my heart and soul, shattered across this empty starlight room. Who will pick me up?

I know now why it is always winter in my dreams. Winter is a symbol of ill-health, depression and misfortune, it can also be analogous to how you feel. Emotionally cold and frigid. I know now why someone often has a video camera in my dreams. Someone using a video camera in your dream indicates that you are reflecting back on your past and old memories. I know now why there are of then photographs in my dreams. Photographs in your dream means that you are clinging on to the past and false hope. I know now why there is always snow in my dreams. Snow is a symbol of inhibitions, unexpressed emotions and feelings of frigidity. It can also mean that you feel indifferent, alone and neglected.

It all makes sense now. I understand my dreams have been trying to tell me things - I only now see how well they reflect me. Everything I can never say out lout can be found out from my dreams. When I dream, I often dream of running away from something. Running away from someone in a dream indicates that you are trying to avoid something, or you are not facing your fears. I am fascinated of the things my subconsciousness is trying to tell me in my dreams. My dreams are often very vivid, I can remember certain places. I am always present in my dreams, even though I am not always me.

Maybe one day I can be free, too.

I noticed that this blog actually turned 4 in April 2014. As much as I would love to delete the old posts, I will not. It is funny to see how much I have changed in four years.