Kodou

 Song of the day;;

→ ERRA - Pull from the Ghost

From the yellow line

Waving goodbye

To my captive

Breaking their neck for home

The bones of the past

Spilling over in a rare reflection

A captor seeking Stockholm

Dying alone with a ransom note

Bleeding host

What I can't find in you, I'll just

Pull from the ghost of a virtual memory

From the yellow line

Waving goodbye

To my captive

Breaking their neck for home

Involuntary time zone that fate has annexed

Every second lost or gained has a presence

I traversed time on stagnant feet

Orchestrating a long defeat

Bleeding host

What I can't find in you, I'll just

Pull from the ghost of a virtual memory

And now I'm face to face

With the things that I have chased

But I'll just burn what is birthed of my history

To my captive

Breaking their neck for home

I feel love

Only in reverie

I feel love

But the sensation is already memory

Stillborn upon delivery, oh

Seeds bidding for egoic auxiliary

Stillborn upon delivery

Bleeding host

What I can't find in you, I'll just

Pull from the ghost of a virtual memory

And now I'm face to face

With the things that I have chased

But I'll just burn what is birthed of my history

From the yellow line

Waving goodbye

To my captive

Breaking their neck for home

To my captive

Breaking their neck for home

--

Tänään oli terapia ja kävin sen jälkeen apteekissa ostamassa lisää rasvaa. Ulkona oli aurinkoista ja aika lämmintä. Fakta numero 39: mä en tykkää jaotella asioita feminiinisiin ja maskuliinisiin, mutta sanoisin, että itse oon aika 50/50 kumpaakin.

The disconnect

 Song of the day;;

→ ERRA - Eye of God

I'm crawling out, this withering world is exhaustive

Vacuous space will be my coffin

Drifting weightless

Wandering through the void dead and aimless

Ashes to ashes, freed from the ties that bind

Defined by lack of connection

Infinite blackness, ubiquitous and cold

Enfold, I’m lost in the shadow

Lost light that has yet to be revealed

Feel the flow of empty endless spiral through the void

What's left to be broken is discarded

Lost light that has yet to be revealed

The blood is our reckoning

I feel the flow of empty endless spiral

Soaring through the void

I am a vessel of the generations

Withered and breathless

A coma chosen true, the void that followed suit

The world that we abused

Eye of God

No disruption of the rest

Death was always part of the process

The eye of God, it is hollowing

The speckled void, it is swallowing

Feel the flow of empty endless spiral

Soaring through the void

A step into a narrow consensus

Walking along the edge of the knife

With the restless eye ever watching

Weeping into perpetual abyss

Lost light that has yet to be revealed

The blood is our reckoning

I feel the flow of empty endless spiral

Soaring through the void

The eye of God, it is hollowing

The speckled void, it is swallowing

Feel the flow of empty endless spiral

Through the eye of God

--

Lyön pöytään faktan numero 12: mun lempisarja on Last Twilight.

Faded out

 Song of the day;;

→ ERRA - Rebirth

Our hands were holding our fate, but they grew tired

Everything we knew came crashing down in waves of fire, in waves of fire

Strange hands over mouth and in hair

Red eyes from the water, gasping for air, rebirth

Blurred vision disrupts perception of this present state

Made new in the chilling currents that carry me away

Follow your heart

And leap from the cliffs, close your divine eyes to reason

Let inertia move you

Cling and be clung to, speak and be spoken to

How beautiful you find yourself

Remove this scourge from where we dwell

You will be found in a dark place

And somewhere through time and space

Adorned with purity yet blessed with knowledge

Contradicting what I've been taught

Upheld in a pale light that burns my skin

I am the distorted one, I am the distorted one

I am a prisoner in this body, bound and chained to flesh

I am the distorted one, I am a prisoner in this body

A mirror reflecting an honest rendition

A faction following a faithless tradition

Your own body renamed religion, rebirth

Our hands were holding our fate, but they grew tired

And everything we knew came crashing down

You will be found in a dark place

And somewhere, somewhere through time and space

A mirror reflecting an honest rendition

A faction following faithless tradition

Follow your heart

And leap from the cliffs, close your divine eyes to reason

Let inertia move you

Cling and be clung to, speak and be spoken to

How beautiful you find yourself

Remove this scourge from where we dwell

You will be found in a dark place

And somewhere through, through time and space

I am the distorted one

I am a prisoner in this body, bound and chained to flesh

Rebirth

--

Sydän on niin raskas. Oma pieni kulta. On niin kova ikävä.

We got the moves

 Song of the day;;

→ ERRA - Hourglass

I've watched a lot of things crumble in my hands

Falling through my fingers like grains of sand

When the hourglass tips over on its side

Does it create infinite moments or leave us trapped in time?

Loath, disdain, pity, regret consume me and I shut down

Dissolving internally with no silver linings to any clouds

I disassociate with everything I know

Drowning out, losing control

My detachment permeates to everything I know

Refill the sands and balance the scales or let me go

I'm becoming everything that I defied

Withdrawn emotions, I've built a shell and I live inside

I disassociate with everything I know

Drowning out, losing control

My detachment permeates to everything I know

And I'm drowning out, losing control

Losing control

I'm becoming everything I defied

Slowly withering, there seems to be no way out

Refill the sands, balance the scales or let me go

Loath, disdain, pity, regret consume me and I shut down

Slowly withering with no silver linings to any fucking clouds

I disassociate with everything I know

Drowning out, losing control

My detachment permeates to everything I know

And I'm drowning out, losing control

Losing control

--

Tuli pidettyä tuossa hieman pidempi tauko, kun olin viime viikon porukoilla enkä ihan rehellisesti vaan jaksanut käydä täällä. Mietin jopa muutamia kertoja, että olisin jättänyt tän kokonaan, mutta tässä sitä vielä kuitenkin ollaan. Teki hyvää käydä porukoilla, vaikka toki se teki tilanteen todellisemmaksi ja vaikeitakin hetkiä oli. Helpotti kyllä valtavasti olla sellaisten ihmisten seurassa, ketkä käy läpi samaa suruprosessia ja ymmärtää. En oo ehkä koskaan tuntenut meidän perhettä niin tavallaan yhtenäiseksi kuin silloin, kun oltiin just haettu Runtin uurna kotiin, halattiin kaikki toisiamme ja itkettiin. Edelleen mulla on aivan älytön ikävä joka päivä ja sattuu todella paljon, vaikka kyyneleitä ei aina tulisikaan. Tuntuu vaan niin vahvasti siltä, että jotain puuttuu. Eikä mua oikein ole kiinnostanut kamalasti mikään. Värit on haaleita ja korvissa kohisee koko ajan. Mutta muisteleminen on helpottanut, ja nyt pystyn enimmäkseen jo katsomaan kuvia hyvällä mielellä. Loppujen lopuksi se suruhan vaan kertoo siitä, miten vahva side meidän välillä oli. Sain myös mukaan Runtin rakkaimman, tyynynä käytetyn possulelun sekä yhden sen vanhan joulupaidan. Sisko otti kanssa pari muistoesinettä, porukat säilytti vaan valokuvat. Ymmärrän kyllä toisaalta sen, miksi ne ei halua säilyttää mitään esineitä. Oon saanut sen käsityksen, että porukat haluais kuitenkin vielä jossain vaiheessa tulevaisuudessa ottaa toisen koiran, joka ei tietenkään tule olemaan mikään Runtin korvaaja, vaan täysin oma yksilönsä, joten sille hommataan sitten uudet, omat tavarat. Edelleen mä antaisin mitä vaan, että saisin Runtin takaisin, mutta mä olen todella kiitollinen siitä ajasta, mikä me saatiin viettää yhdessä. Aika tekee toivottavasti tehtävänsä ja kipu hellittää, mutta unohtaa mä en aio koskaan.

Across the border

 Song of the day;;

→ ERRA - Shadow Autonomous

Spit out the blood

Freeze to the bone when the lonesome mind is whispering

Decide it's time to settle in or begin again

Fading in and out again, places I find healing in

An ocean's length apart from where I stand

Glimpse of light comes shining through this waking dream

Glimpse of light comes shining through

Sleep cycle synced into phase

Rattles your coffin when intrusive thoughts are creeping in

Surrogate a home over and over again

We will go on fading in and out again

Sense of loss that you've been feeling

We will go on fading in and out again

Sense of loss that you've been feeling

Break free

Glimpse of light comes shining through this waking dream

Glimpse of light comes shining through

Sleep cycle synced into phase

A friend, a foe, equally familiar

Kept close, unified inside the mirror

Spit out the blood

Spitting out the blood inside my mouth

The pain stings, but it brings relief

That I can still feel anything at all

Spaces I used to find peace, tearing me apart

Glimpse of light comes shining through this waking dream

Complacencies that we will never seek to replace

Spitting out the blood inside my mouth

The pain stings but it brings relief

That I can still feel anything at all

--

Fakta numero kolme: mun horoskooppimerkki on rapu.

Snow scene

Song of the day;;

→ ERRA - Luminesce

I'm spiraling out of control, so you illuminate a clean slate

You're lifting the weight that's diluting inspiration

I woke with the sun in my face, mountains by my side

The desert air pulling the breath from my lungs

I've been making my way through a barren landscape

Littered with remains of past lives and shadows of the scavengers

World passing by, leaving traces of shapes, blurring into memory

Dreaming of terrain that sustains, I wake up

I'm lying parallel with the landscape

There will always be a void to be filled, illuminate a clean slate

Keep lifting the weight that is diluting inspiration

There will always be a void with no permanent fix

Shifting of puzzle pieces to simulate a whole

World passing by, leaving traces of shapes, blurring into memory

Dreaming of terrain that sustains, I wake up to a world that's unfamiliar

We leave and then we go back like we never left home

We go back like we never left home

When will we wake the fuck up?

Parallel with the landscape, I lie awake

With diminishing desire to always seek escape

From a home where I feel sound and safe

World passing by, leaving traces of shapes, blurring into memory

Dreaming of terrain that sustains, I wake up, wake up

When will we all wake up?

Diminished desire to always seek escape to a world that's unfamiliar

We leave and then we go back like we never left home

We go back like we never left

--

Huomisen suunnitelmat hieman muuttu, kun terapia peruuntui terapeutin sairastumisen takia. Eipä siinä mitään, oishan se ollu kiva päästä juttelemaan, mutta eihän sille mitään voi. Eipähän tarvi lähtä mihinkään huomenna (paitsi lenkille, jos on hyvä keli). 

Windress

 Song of the day;;

→ ERRA - Nigh to Silence

Floating song

I caught it in a dream and passed it on

Frail and fragile

Is the ghost that I will carry and time will swallow

No eyes set upon the looming moon

The dead earth is her barren womb

Who is to say who is haunting who

No mourned absence in that infinite tomb

I stand in the shadow of my own ghost

Walking in the shadow of my own ghost

I long to feel the sun again

(Cold and dark within)

Walking in the shadow of my own ghost

I long to feel again

(Cold and dark within)

Frail and fragile

Is the ghost that I will carry and time will swallow

Wolves of ash, howling in a present past

Cries carried up to any God whomever

And with every question asked, only the wind calls back

Cessation nigh to

Silence is an open wound

Violencе is a silent tomb

Cessation nigh to silencе

And with every question asked

Cessation nigh to silence

Only the wind calls back

Cessation nigh to silence

Walking in the shadow of my own ghost

I long to feel again tonight

Looking to the sky, connecting sound and sight

The moon will haunt the earth tonight

Walking in the shadow of my own ghost

(Looking to the sky, connecting sound and sight)

I long to feel the sun again

(The moon will haunt the earth tonight)

(Cold and dark within)

Walking in the shadow of my own ghost

(Looking to the sky, connecting sound and sight)

I long to feel again

(The moon will haunt the earth tonight)

--

Kävin tänään pitkästä aikaa lenkillä, kun oli aika kiva keli. Muutama aste lämmintä, pilvistä. Vähän oli liukasta, mut ei onneks pahasti ja oli kiva, kun ei satanu mitään paskaa. Teki kyllä tosi hyvää, taidan käydä huomennakin.

Sara

 Song of the day;;

→ ERRA - Gungrave

I'm trapped inside this room

Witnessing your degradation

A soul lost in limbo

This house is your incarceration

I've heard your voice at night haunt these halls

Feet on the stairs, the echoes of your tears

I've felt nothing since the day you left

It's been like this for years and years

Modern mind, divisive voices redefine (your heart)

Realign what's broken

Every word misguided by thoughts left confined (confined)

You could leave it all behind

Crawled into a place in my head

The only space where I could feel safe and sound

All that you've lived for comes spiraling down

Catatonic, emaciated

All this pain that you have created

Battered heart, broken soul

With no other place to go

Modern mind, divisive voices redefine (your heart)

Realign what's broken

Every word misguided by thoughts left confined (confined)

You could leave it all behind

Modern mind, divisive voices redefine (your heart)

You could leave it all behind

The small hours loud inside the modern mind

Leeching on the lonely heart

Modernity seems to amplify

The boundaries of your heart

You try going back when you need to restart

And the foundation falls apart

The foundation falls apart

On and on and on

Spiraling downward

Spiral down, spiral down

Spiral down, oh

Reset the pattern doomed to repeat

A perpetual cycle, on and on and on

Catatonic, emaciated

All this pain that you have created

Departure

 Song of the day;;

→ ERRA - Sol Absentia

I feel it drain all my energy

On the verge of relapse

Shadows contort in search of form

Heart like a breeze, head like a storm

Spirit is the blowing wind

Mind is the discordance of the chimes

Someone deign to save this weary soul

No light

No sun

I can feel the weight of the night

(But I can see)

No light (God is faltering)

No sun (Man is suffering)

I can feel the weight of the night

(But I can see no light)

Like falling in a dream

No light

Pick it up

Somnolent incantation

Slow death by survival

Love is dead on arrival

Dead on arrival

Oh

Edge of the earth marks creeping descеnt

Of a malevolent sun burying its head

I feel it drain all my еnergy

Cacophony of crows

Singing the soul to death

No light

No sun

I can feel the weight of the night

(But I can see)

No light (God is faltering)

No sun (Man is suffering)

I can feel the weight of the night

(But I can see no light)

Like falling in a dream

No light

Nothing's what it seems

Life exits in vermillion brilliance

Cacophony of crows

Singing the soul to death

I feel it drain all my energy

Someone deign to save

This weary soul

--

Ai että mä rakastan tätä biisiä. Kunnon bängeri. Porukat ja Runtti tulee huomenna!!!

Dani California

 Song of the day;;

→ ERRA - Stockholm Syndrome

I won't stand in your way

Let your hatred grow

And she'll scream and she'll shout and she'll pray

And she had a name, yeah, she had a name

And I won't hold you back

Let your anger rise

And we'll fly and we'll fall and we'll burn

No one will recall, no one will recall

This is the last time I'll abandon you

And this is the last time I'll forget you

I wish I could

Look to the stars

Let hope burn in your eyes

And we'll love and we'll hate and we'll die

All to no avail, all to no avail

This is the last time I'll abandon you

And this is the last time I'll forget you

I wish I could

This is the last time I'll abandon you

And this is the last time I'll forget you

I wish I could

I wish I could

Nobody's watching

 Song of the day;;

→ ERRA - Skyline

Cityscape skeletons taking shape and growing skin

Layer and layer is peeled away

Exhausted from the repetition of always needing to rebuild

Worn down faces in colorful barren places

City lights and skylines

Guiding home our wandering minds

Tucking us into tortoise shells

Suppressing the outside sounds of relentless consciousness

Where is contemplative terrain

That sleeps with the setting sun?

This nocturnal apathy binging on shadow and smoke

It's endlessly coming undone

When the ground falls out, who will take my hand?

When things fall apart who will take my hand?

I'd never thought that I could withstand

Falling short when I'm a broken man

You never knew how much I meant it in love

Every night I'm beside you weeks away when you're sleeping alone

Did you ever know how much I meant it?

Millions of tiny pieces looking in on themselves

Reflected in the water, unaware of each other

Every piece could find its place back in the puzzle

What was one is shattered into many and longs to be whole again

But nothing ever fits quite the same in the end

I'd never thought that I could withstand

Falling short when I'm a broken man

You never knew how much I meant it in love

I'd never thought that I could withstand

Falling short when I'm a broken man

Every night I'm beside you weeks away when you're sleeping alone

Did you ever know how much I meant it?

When the ground falls out, who will take my hand?

When things fall apart, who will take my hand?

Knife called lust

 Song of the day;;

→ ERRA - Breach

It comes to fracture vested trust

A love to shatter and turn to rust

I drag my name through waves to wade black water

Wallow and drown

A new shade of gray disorients the portrait

Repetitive contusions concuss the allure

Cataract eyes and cloudy minds

Interrupt a perfect design

Crashing waves come to swallow us

Wallow and drown in it

Shadows wait to devour us

It hurts to surrender

Presentation's everything when you created the play

The audience hypnotized by the imagery

In this vicious cycle of disbelief

That the visionless cannot conceive

You can drag me down six feet deep

So I can fight for a life that I threw away

In this moment of resurgence

Clear the dissonance and recover me

Fears suppressed exploit our lust

And our memories turn to rust

And when we reach that point, barren of things to say

There's nothing left to save, do not resuscitate

Swallow your pride, hide what you feel inside

There are some things that cannot be rectified

Crashing waves come to swallow us

Wallow and drown in it

Shadows wait to devour us

It hurts to surrender

Leeches lie in wait, but you're blind to it

But you're blind to it

A void that you create, you give life to it

It hurts to surrender

It comes to fracture vested trust

A love to shatter and turn to rust

If words could carry my pain

Through the busy streets and empty alleyways

Be the one who hears my cry

Like the moon who craves the night

You can drag me down six feet deep

So I can fight for a life that I threw away

In this moment of resurgence

Clear the dissonance and recover me

--

Sellanen päivä, että tekis mieli hypätä palavana parvekkeelta. Harmi vaan kun ei ole parveketta.

Puppets 2 (The rain)

 Song of the day;;

→ ERRA - Snowblood

Blood starved machine in a feeding frenzy

Don't look now, but the floor is collapsing

No escape, the plummet is everlasting

Sound awake in the bed I've made

Pull out the pin, sanity is a grenade

Dead and sound awake

You could lose yourself in the absence of loss

Reset and wander far away

Dead and sound awake, ambitions thrown away

Spirits washed away, you should know

Nothing lasts forever

Following footprints in circles, going snowblind

Exits overgrown inside the maze of my mind

Crawling out of the crypt to bleed the living dry

In this fantasy, the villains win, the heroes die

Slow diving to despair

Fuck it, I'm done, this is a waking nightmare

Blood starved machine in a feeding frenzy

Dead and sound awake

You could lose yourself in the absence of loss

Reset and wander far away

Dead and sound awake, ambitions thrown away

Spirits washed away, you should know

Nothing lasts forever

Black moon rising

Glimpse of madness

Blossom black rose

Withered, abandoned

Sorrowed, sleepless, alone

Sleepless nights, hearing voices

Faint whispers expand like disease

The dead are not dreaming

Can't you hear them screaming?

Oh

This is a waking nightmare

Crawling out of the crypt to bleed the living dry

In this fantasy, the villains win, the heroes die

Slow diving to despair

Fuck it, I'm done, this is a waking nightmare