Talking away, I don't know what I am to say

I reckon I 'ave been talking about pretty boring (or sad, I don't know) things lately, and I saw this thing on someone's blog (don't ask whose, I have no idea) and I reckon I could do it, too. To make this more interesting or something. So here you have,

100 Facts About Me

1. My birthday is in the middle of the summer, which is mint

2. I love my family and my dog more than anything in the world

3. I've 'ad glasses from the age of 11, I can't see without them at all

4. My favourite colours are black, white, gray and dark red

5. I love books and I read a lot

6. I also love writing, even if I 'ave been very lazy lately

7. I listen to a lot of music, my absolute number one favourite genre is metalcore

8. When I'm on the computer, I spend most of my time in tumblr, youtube, spotify and some other sites and games

9. I am a complicated person and I can 'ave multiple personalities

10. I don't really like exercising or anything, I'm dead lazy

11. I hate maths and I am not very good at it

12. But I am good in languages (and home ec)

13. I was bullied during the whole 6 years of primary school

14. And looking back now makes me wonder 'ow the 'ell I got through grades 5 and 6

15. I love video games, especially survival horror and fantasy (+ fighting)

16. I also love soundtracks from games etc., my absolute all-time favourites are the ones from Silent Hill-series

17. I watch a lot of movies, my favourites are Populäärimusiikkia Vittulajänkältä, Submarine, Stand by Me and animated movies

18. I also watch a lot of TV (or series from Netflix), my favourites are Degrassi, Waterloo Road and Skins, but I also watch series like Once Upon a Time, American Horror Story, Grimm, Arrow etc.

19. I 'ave a tendency to start shipping characters very easily and then become obsessed

20. I use a lot of smilies when I talk online, maybe to seem nicer? lol

21. I like writing poems but I do not like reading them at all

22. I love energy drinks

23. I 'ave emetophobia (fear of vomiting) and I panic every time I even hear someone going to the loo at night (paranoid, yes)

24. I 'ave 'ad diabetes for 10 years now

25. Also I 'ave headaches almost every day

26. I am currently on medication for anxiety/depression

27. I love the sound of cars in the middle of the night in summer

28. The only places I 'ave been outside of Finland are Sweden, Norway and Germany

29. My dream is to study/live/work in the UK

30. I also have an undying love for Union Jack

31. I don't read nowhere as near as much manga as I used to but I still love Naruto, it is my all-time favourite

32. I believe I have pyromania of some kind, I am fascinated by fire and I often find myself wanting to burn things

33. I 'ave a lot of favourite actors and actresses

34. I hate Facebook

35. I 'ave a very dry skin

36. My hair is currently dyed black, its original colour is a weird mix of light brown and nothing

37. I 'ave green-ish eyes

38. My favourite body parts are teeth, eyes and fingers/hands

39. I am very fond of vampires

40. I also find blood very fascinating

41. I like to read articles/stories of subjects like death, illnesses etc.

42. My biggest fears (along with my emetophobia) are heights, snakes and having something happen to me or people (or my dog) I love

43. My guilty pleasure is The Midnight Beast (can't help but to love them)

44. My hobbies include photography, walking, reading and writing

45. Words like cancer and suicide are scary but they fascinate me

46. I love tea and I own a lot of it

47. I also love different kind of mugs

48. My favourite animals are pandas, dogs and horses

49. When I was small, I wanted to be a rider

50. I also collect empty energy drink cans/bottles

51. I am very paranoid at night

52. I cannot stand my door being open at night

53. I play a lot of mobile games, my favourites are Subway Surfers, Angry Gran Run and Pororo Penguin Run

54. I like lip balms

55. I love cardigans and I wear them a lot

56. I always wear a silver necklace

57. I currently 'ave a lip piercing (second one is on its way)

58. I am very proud to say that, if not counting the first one, I own all of the original Silent Hill games + the HD one (by originals I mean 2, 3, 4, Origins, Homecoming, Shattered Memories and Downpour)

59. Also, my all-time favourite Silent Hill character is Alex Shepherd from Homecoming, he's well fit

60. I identify as pansexual

61. In my opinion, the first 9 (or 10) series of Degrassi were much more intensive than the current ones

62. I love different accents found in the UK, one of my all-time favourites is the Welsh accent

63. And that is because Welsh actors Craig Roberts and Gerran Howell are among my favourite actors

64. I like rings and necklaces

65. I also like caps

66. I 'ave a lot of band posters on my walls

67. I love making lists, always 'ave and always will

68. I also love names

69. When I listen to music, I pay special attention to the lyrics

70. I am a messy person, I reckon

71. I am still not over JT Yorke's death (nor Sambuca Kelly's, I'm so sorry but why do you always kill my favourites)

72. I reckon the American adaption of Polseres Vermelles won't be worth watching, especially when they 'ave replaced Ignasi (who I am not over) with a girl

73. I love creating characters

74. I get bored easily and I like to doodle and write random stuff on my notebooks etc

75. I do not understand people

76. I 'ave been playing a certain online game for 2 years now

77. Why am I still writing this? My hands are tired

78. When I was younger, I had an obsession with Hello Kitty

79. I feel a need to inform you that I am deeply saddened by Neji Hyuga's death in Naruto

80. I 'ave cried a lot while watching TV series or movies/playing games

81. I am terrified of the fact that I will lose my dog one day

82. I am going to upper secondary school in the autumn but I don't want to

83. I don't like talking about things I like because a) people don't care b) no one is interested in the same things

84. I don't know what I want to do when I grow up

85. Then again I reckon I won't ever ''grow up''

86. I like getting money and spending it

87. I only like online shopping

88. I get anxious in large crowds, school and buses

89. Some songs give me eargasms

90. Ever since I was small, I 'ave felt like I am not allowed to express my opinions

91. I 'ave 'ad many ''best friends'' who 'ave all left me, I do not trust anyone properly (even if I say I do)

92. The first time I ever hurt myself on purpose was when I was 11 (at that time I was being bullied)

93. I 'ave never broken a bone

94. Speaking of which, I love bones and I'd want to see mine more

95. People 'ave said that I'm ''strong'' for holding on but sometimes I really want to let go

96. When I'm alone I always get moody, distant and sad

97. I (apparently) snap at people easily

98. I like kinds kids under the age of 7, apparently I have a dyslexia of some kind

99. I have an extremely bad memory

100. English is like my second mother tongue and I use a lot of words I've picked from TV series

And here you go.

So I walked into the haze and a million dirty ways

So, this is it. My summer holiday began today which means that primary school is over for me. I've got 2 and a half months to spend like I want and then, in August, I'm off to upper secondary school (high school, you twats). I really don't want to go. If I would've been smart, I would've applied to a school in another town/city but no. Maybe I'm that much of a masochist that I just want to torture myself by going to school here. How the hell am I s'posed to make it out alive there when I don't 'ave anyone left who'd care (not that they normally would, I find it kind of bizarre 'ow people seem to expect me to care but then they can toss me around anyway they like)?

Maybe I 'ave too much time in my hands now. I reckon it's not good for me to be left alone with my thoughts for too long, but what can I do. I 'ave to put this act up because every time someone who I cared for left my confidence crumpled and I started wondering what the fuck is wrong with me. Something 'as to be. And looking back now, I can't understand how the 'ell I pulled through all that? And now... I'm all alone 'ere. I've got no one to talk to (well technically I do but I don't want to bother 'em), I've got no one to spend time with.

I know that when I get out of this fucking town and this country, I'll never come back. Only to visit, I reckon, but I know I won't stick around. I'm so tired of this place, it's wearing me down. I know I'm asking too much and complaining about things I 'ave caused myself but I really can't help it. Writing like this is the only way I can let some of these fucking emotions out without causing any more damage to anyone, and right now I really don't care who gets mad at me and who goes apeshit.

Some people laugh, some people cry

Today I want to tell you something and I'm not naming any names because I know what I'm about to say would upset and hurt them, but if you do recognise yourself then congratulations.

So, I have this mate who gets upset easily and I reckon they need constant asking of 'are you okay' just so that they can say no. I have no ability to feel sympathy or empathy for that matter, not anymore, which is why I find myself struggling with words because I feel they're always over exaggerating their issues. Why am I telling you this? Well, they have said that I can talk to them and stuff, and shouldn't mates ask each other 'are you okay' every once in a while? They never do. And I can't talk to them when I feel bad, upset or something, because I doubt they would listen or care. I tried that once, but they went on about their own issues and I have to say that is extremely hurtful for me.

I can't say anything to them because they get upset so goddamn easily and the least I want is them blaming me for upsetting them. I mean, I'm not a huge fan of people asking me if I'm okay, but I do admit that it would be nice if someone bothered to ask me that, even if just once in a year or something. My parents never do and they jump right into wrong conclusions but I can't talk to them, they get all weird.

Well, anyway, since they're my mate and I respect them and all that, I'm probably just going to suffer in silence or something. I don't mean to cause anyone any grief and if I indeed have (I know I have), I'm sorry for everything I have ever said or done.

--

Is my imagination running away or is all this really happening to me?

So... I've got 9 days of school left altogether (I think so, I don't do maths), which is pretty damn awesome. Then it's all over. This comprehensive school, and then we're all off to wherever we're going - upper secondary school, vocational school... It's kind of funny, I've known some of the people in my class for years, and to think that I won't see most of them next year, or maybe in years, if ever again. I don't have many mates, just a few, so I won't really miss any people particularly. Maybe not the teachers at the school, but the place itself. I don't miss any people or teachers from my elementary school (I reckon I spent some of the worst moments in my life so far there), but I sometimes do miss the place. It's also weird to think that I had my last test in comprehensive school today. It's funny to think about how many tests we've done since the 1st grade.

Well. Now looking back, I reckon I have changed a lot. When I was younger, I couldn't keep my gob shut for more than two seconds, I s'pose, but now... I reckon I don't talk that much. I wouldn't say I'm quiet or shy or anything, I just don't feel like talking much. I like reading. When you read, the book sucks you into its world and you don't have to think about anything else. I also like writing and drawing for the same reasons. I don't know what other people think of me, and I really don't care, but I reckon I could describe myself with words such as anti-social and maybe isolated. I've done that myself, I do realise it, but I can't help but to say that people have done something more than that.

But I'm still me. No matter how much I have changed or how much I will change, I'll always be me. Deep down I'll always be that mouthy, fun-loving laid-back kid who just wants to have fun. Even now, when I'm where I reckon is a deep, dark bottom, I'm still that kid, inside. I can't change that, and I won't. Why should I change myself for someone else?

These days the most present feeling I have is loneliness. It doesn't matter where I am, with who I am, I feel lonely. I feel lonely in a crowded room, I feel lonely with my mate, everywhere. No matter how hard I try, I can't shake that feeling away. It's cruel, innit. To always feel out of place. To always feel you are not wanted, not accepted, no matter where you go. I'd like to get rid of these feelings, maybe all feelings in general. I don't understand them and I definitely don't know what to do with them.

I'm losing too much sleep these days

Today has been a proper bad day, to say the least. It started off alright, however, but then at some point I started being my (apparently) usual, sulky and moody self who snaps at people with no reason. I mean I hate these bloody days, you don't have to say any more than 'hi' to me and I might be attacking you with 'what the fuck are you doing here you twat get well lost' and all that.

Well it's just another bad day among thousands of others like it, so nothing big there. I guess some of it might be because of the new medication, I mean it did say that some side effects might be aggression and anxiety, moodiness probably, I didn't read it dead well but some of it, anyway.

I'm feeling a bit more alright now. I always do when I drink tea, probably that's why I love it so much. I'm currently having a cup (the cup is one of my oldest ones, from my childhood, a Disney one, it has Mickey, Donald, Minnie and Goofy in it, it's proper cute innit) of 'Country Peach Passion' from Celestial. Yummy eh?

Look into my eyes, it's where my demons hide

For the first time in a long, long time, I actually feel like it's all going to be sorted. Well, to be honest, in a way I feel it's not but in another way I feel it will, but I guess you'll never know, yeah? I've been a proper mess for quite a while, and I'm well tired of all this crap. It's mad, innit, and I don't know if I can sort it or not, really.

I started another medication a few days back because the one I previously had gave me a mingy allergic reaction so that was a no go. I don't know if it'll work, but all I really want it to do is to lift my mood a bit (I've been proper moody lately and apparently I'm dead mad, snapping at people for no apparent reason) and maybe give me more energy. It takes me a lot these days just to get up and do something, even the things I love. Well today I was being well active, I baked a lovely cake and I'm quite happy I did.

Also it's not long until the end of school and my birthday, so all I need to do is to get through these couple of weeks, and I've been getting proper grades from tests and exams lately so I'm quite pleased with myself. I'm dead tired but I think I can pull it off. I'm trying not to worry about upper secondary school yet and so far so good... We'll just see how it goes, yeah?

Well right now I'm just glad that things like Netflix and Spotify exist so I can drown all my sorrows into TV programmes and banging music. It's keeping me on my tracks somehow and I believe some day I will rise up from the bottom of this ocean. Just watch me.

I tried to drown my pain away but my pain learned how to swim

How's life been for the lot of you? Remember when I told you about the medication I was supposed to be on? Turns out I'm somewhat allergic to it, yes, you got it right. I got a nasty allergic reaction from it, I got fever and a painful rash on my back. Luckily I have an appointment to whatever-his-name-is and I'm pretty sure we can fix this problem, yeah.

On the other hand, I feel useless. As far as I'm concerned I'm going to upper secondary school (or high school, you dim-witted twats), and yeah, it's probably the school I want to go to, just not here. I could've applied to others, but I decided to take the easy route and just go for the one that's closest to me. I don't know if that was such a clever thing to do, but we'll see. So far it has given me a shitload of stress, anxiety and casual desperation, and that's a lot to say since I usually don't get stressed over school and such.

And yes, I'm being a pessimistic arse but I highly doubt I'm going to enjoy myself, I feel and I know there's a lot of people who just plainly think I'm a freak and that's all there is to it, but... I don't know. I don't want to say anything because I don't know anything yet, and who knows, it might be a blast but don't get your knickers in a twist. We'll just wait and see, shall we. Summer is not far now and it seems like it's April Fools today.

you bring out the worst in me

sure I do the same for you