words are very unnecessary, they can only do harm

It's 1.44 (am) at the moment and since I am bored but not tired, I decided to do a few questionnaires or whatever...

100 Questions

1. Height: 151cm (yeah, I'm a midget) 

2. Virgin? - Yup.

3. Shoe size? - 35-38.

4. Sexual Orientation: Panromantic asexual

5. Do you smoke? - Nope.

6. Do you drink? - Do energy drinks count?

7. Do you take drugs? - No.

8. Age you get mistaken for? - Umm.... 13-14?

9. Any tattoos? - Not yet, at least.

10. Want any tattoos? - Yeah, I do

11. Any piercings? - Well, 2 on each of my ears and snakebites.

12. Want any piercings? - Yeah, a few more would be nice.

13. Best friend? - Don't have one.

14. Relationship status: Single.

15. Biggest turn ons? - Honesty and a lovely smile, beautiful eyes.

16. Biggest turn offs? - Arrogance, ignorance...

17. Favorite movie? - Populäärimusiikkia Vittulajänkältä, Stand by Me, Submarine etc.

18. Someone you miss? - A lot of people who won't come back to me.

19. What I hate most about myself: Everything? lol

20. What I like most about myself: I really can't think of anything.

21. My relationship with my parents: Great, I s'pose.

22. My relationship with my sibling(s): Okay, I reckon.

23. My biggest pet peeves: Probably avoiding responsibility and lying.

24. What my last text message said? - Too lazy to check, sorry.

25. Last thing I ate? - Chocolate chip cookies

26. Ten facts about myself: 1) I'm a person. 2) I use Spotify daily. 3) My dog sleeps on my bed atm. 4) And she's the one I love the most in this world. 5) I don't cry easily. 6) Right now I'm listening to P.O.D. - Youth of the Nation. 7) I'm staying up too late. 8) Also I wake up too late. 9) I'm lazy. 10) I hate numbers.

27. Favorite animal? - Dogs and pandas.

28. Where I would like to live: London/anywhere in the UK

29. Favorite ice cream? - Cream toffee/cookie dough

30. Celebrity I would love to meet and why? - Oh so many, although the ones I like don't necessarily fall into the regular 'celebrity' category

31. My insecurities: Generally just everything about me

32. What I find attractive in Men/Women? - Eyes, smile, little fang-like teeth (you know, the ones on the side, I 'ave those), fingers

33. Favorite quote: ''Why did you go and have to be a real girl? Everything's better when it stays online. The fact that you would even say that proves that you don't get it! Real world people always disappoint. Online, I'm a hero. You wanna live IRL, you go ahead, noob.'' - Hunter Hollingsworth

34. Age: Soon 16.

35. Favorite T.V show: Degrassi, Skins, Waterloo Road, Young Dracula, Friday Download (who ever said I love Ceallach, is completely right), Once Upon a Time, American Horror Story, Grimm, Under the Dome, Sleepy Hollow etc.

36. Favorite tumblr blogs: So many.

37. What I want to be when I grow up: I honestly don't know.

38. A book or film that changed my life: I can't say, all of them in a way.

39. Five bands that I like: Bring Me the Horizon, Eskimo Callboy, Dead by April, Santa Cruz & Miss May I (there's loads more we can talk about)

40. Three things I think about the most: TV, music and I don't know ???

41. Three things I want to do before I die: Travel around the world, live in the UK and do something I really enjoy.

42. Favorite book? - Chronicles of Nick, Tempest, Populäärimusiikkia Vittulajänkältä, Submarine, Paper Towns, Looking for Alaska etc.

43. Favorite color? - Black and white.

44. Last person you hugged? - My mum

45. Addiction: Lip balms

46. Hobbies: Reading, drawing, listening to music, watching TV/movies, playing video games etc.

47. Favorite band? - I can't pick one

48. Favorite singer? - Again, can't pick one

49. Zodiac sign: Cancer (ughh that word)

50. Eye Color: Green-ish (with slight blue-ish)

51. Hair Color: Really some light-ish brown-ish, but black atm

52. Birthday? July 10

53. Where were you three hours ago? Playing Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

54. One food you hate: Mushroom soup

55. Biggest fear? Snakes, heights, losing someone I love

56. How many followers do you have? Depends where.

57. Five people you find attractive: Only five? Ceallach Spellman, Craig Roberts. Taylor Rhys, Abby Mavers and Gerran Howell (although there's loads more...)

58. Top song played on your ipod? - I don't have an iPod, sorry.

59. If you went back in time what would you change? - Many things.

60. Have any pets? - Yes, my dog whom I love to death.

61. Favorite subject in school? - English, Finnish, languages in general.

62. How is school? - Well going to upper secondary school in August....

63. Lucky number? - I don't know, 6?

64. Your name: Ronnie

65. Favorite body feature? - Eyes, teeth, fingers, bones

66. Favorite flower? - Black rose

67. Cats or dogs? - Dogs!

68. Boats or trains? - Trains

69. People or animals? - Animals

71. Favorite holiday? - Christmas

72. Favorite season? - Summer

73. Favorite candy? - Depends

74. Ten likes and ten dislikes: Likes; tea, TV, dogs, cute things, movies, music, energy drinks, fire, video games & Union Jack. Dislikes; snakes, heights, illnesses, pink, Salatut elämät, pop-music, lies, school, headaches & rain.

75. Self harmed? - Yeah...

76. Worst mistake? - Where do I start?

77. Last time you cried? - I can't remember

78. Any scars? - A few, yes

79. Best day of your life? - I don't really know, probably the day I got my dog.

80. Special talents: I can be either super nice or super annoying, there's no in between

81. Watch the movie or read the book? - Read the book first

82. Obsession: Ceallach Spellman... oops? Also Naruto

83. Kiss or hug? - Hug

84. Ever dated someone? - Yeah.

85. Do you love someone? - Does my dog and parents count?

86. Nicknames people call you: Ronnie, Roni, etc.

87. Favorite sport? - Walking, I hate sports

88. Suicidal thoughts? - Sometimes

89. If today was your last day on earth how would you spend it? - I would go to the UK and take my dog with me

90. Something I would like to change about myself: Many, many things..

91. Worst thing I’ve lied about: I don't actually know, I've lied too much

92. Best thing I’ve lied about: Can't recall

93. Favorite cuss word? - Vittu perkele

94. One of my bad habits: Picking the skin on my fingers

95. Favorite childhood toy? - Probably my large, stuffed bunny

96. Story of my first kiss? - I was 11 and it was awkward.

97. Favorite celebrity? - I really don't know

98. What I’m doing tomorrow: Today? I don't know...

99. Favorite Disney movie? - All of them! You're never too old for Disney.

100. If you could be any animal what would it be? - A dog or a panda.

Summer innit?

So it's summer, as if anyone hasn't noticed, and because I'm too lazy to write anything right now, I thought I would share some pictures I have taken lately. Please click if you want to see them bigger.

Talking away, I don't know what I am to say

I reckon I 'ave been talking about pretty boring (or sad, I don't know) things lately, and I saw this thing on someone's blog (don't ask whose, I have no idea) and I reckon I could do it, too. To make this more interesting or something. So here you have,

100 Facts About Me

1. My birthday is in the middle of the summer, which is mint

2. I love my family and my dog more than anything in the world

3. I've 'ad glasses from the age of 11, I can't see without them at all

4. My favourite colours are black, white, gray and dark red

5. I love books and I read a lot

6. I also love writing, even if I 'ave been very lazy lately

7. I listen to a lot of music, my absolute number one favourite genre is metalcore

8. When I'm on the computer, I spend most of my time in tumblr, youtube, spotify and some other sites and games

9. I am a complicated person and I can 'ave multiple personalities

10. I don't really like exercising or anything, I'm dead lazy

11. I hate maths and I am not very good at it

12. But I am good in languages (and home ec)

13. I was bullied during the whole 6 years of primary school

14. And looking back now makes me wonder 'ow the 'ell I got through grades 5 and 6

15. I love video games, especially survival horror and fantasy (+ fighting)

16. I also love soundtracks from games etc., my absolute all-time favourites are the ones from Silent Hill-series

17. I watch a lot of movies, my favourites are Populäärimusiikkia Vittulajänkältä, Submarine, Stand by Me and animated movies

18. I also watch a lot of TV (or series from Netflix), my favourites are Degrassi, Waterloo Road and Skins, but I also watch series like Once Upon a Time, American Horror Story, Grimm, Arrow etc.

19. I 'ave a tendency to start shipping characters very easily and then become obsessed

20. I use a lot of smilies when I talk online, maybe to seem nicer? lol

21. I like writing poems but I do not like reading them at all

22. I love energy drinks

23. I 'ave emetophobia (fear of vomiting) and I panic every time I even hear someone going to the loo at night (paranoid, yes)

24. I 'ave 'ad diabetes for 10 years now

25. Also I 'ave headaches almost every day

26. I am currently on medication for anxiety/depression

27. I love the sound of cars in the middle of the night in summer

28. The only places I 'ave been outside of Finland are Sweden, Norway and Germany

29. My dream is to study/live/work in the UK

30. I also have an undying love for Union Jack

31. I don't read nowhere as near as much manga as I used to but I still love Naruto, it is my all-time favourite

32. I believe I have pyromania of some kind, I am fascinated by fire and I often find myself wanting to burn things

33. I 'ave a lot of favourite actors and actresses

34. I hate Facebook

35. I 'ave a very dry skin

36. My hair is currently dyed black, its original colour is a weird mix of light brown and nothing

37. I 'ave green-ish eyes

38. My favourite body parts are teeth, eyes and fingers/hands

39. I am very fond of vampires

40. I also find blood very fascinating

41. I like to read articles/stories of subjects like death, illnesses etc.

42. My biggest fears (along with my emetophobia) are heights, snakes and having something happen to me or people (or my dog) I love

43. My guilty pleasure is The Midnight Beast (can't help but to love them)

44. My hobbies include photography, walking, reading and writing

45. Words like cancer and suicide are scary but they fascinate me

46. I love tea and I own a lot of it

47. I also love different kind of mugs

48. My favourite animals are pandas, dogs and horses

49. When I was small, I wanted to be a rider

50. I also collect empty energy drink cans/bottles

51. I am very paranoid at night

52. I cannot stand my door being open at night

53. I play a lot of mobile games, my favourites are Subway Surfers, Angry Gran Run and Pororo Penguin Run

54. I like lip balms

55. I love cardigans and I wear them a lot

56. I always wear a silver necklace

57. I currently 'ave a lip piercing (second one is on its way)

58. I am very proud to say that, if not counting the first one, I own all of the original Silent Hill games + the HD one (by originals I mean 2, 3, 4, Origins, Homecoming, Shattered Memories and Downpour)

59. Also, my all-time favourite Silent Hill character is Alex Shepherd from Homecoming, he's well fit

60. I identify as pansexual

61. In my opinion, the first 9 (or 10) series of Degrassi were much more intensive than the current ones

62. I love different accents found in the UK, one of my all-time favourites is the Welsh accent

63. And that is because Welsh actors Craig Roberts and Gerran Howell are among my favourite actors

64. I like rings and necklaces

65. I also like caps

66. I 'ave a lot of band posters on my walls

67. I love making lists, always 'ave and always will

68. I also love names

69. When I listen to music, I pay special attention to the lyrics

70. I am a messy person, I reckon

71. I am still not over JT Yorke's death (nor Sambuca Kelly's, I'm so sorry but why do you always kill my favourites)

72. I reckon the American adaption of Polseres Vermelles won't be worth watching, especially when they 'ave replaced Ignasi (who I am not over) with a girl

73. I love creating characters

74. I get bored easily and I like to doodle and write random stuff on my notebooks etc

75. I do not understand people

76. I 'ave been playing a certain online game for 2 years now

77. Why am I still writing this? My hands are tired

78. When I was younger, I had an obsession with Hello Kitty

79. I feel a need to inform you that I am deeply saddened by Neji Hyuga's death in Naruto

80. I 'ave cried a lot while watching TV series or movies/playing games

81. I am terrified of the fact that I will lose my dog one day

82. I am going to upper secondary school in the autumn but I don't want to

83. I don't like talking about things I like because a) people don't care b) no one is interested in the same things

84. I don't know what I want to do when I grow up

85. Then again I reckon I won't ever ''grow up''

86. I like getting money and spending it

87. I only like online shopping

88. I get anxious in large crowds, school and buses

89. Some songs give me eargasms

90. Ever since I was small, I 'ave felt like I am not allowed to express my opinions

91. I 'ave 'ad many ''best friends'' who 'ave all left me, I do not trust anyone properly (even if I say I do)

92. The first time I ever hurt myself on purpose was when I was 11 (at that time I was being bullied)

93. I 'ave never broken a bone

94. Speaking of which, I love bones and I'd want to see mine more

95. People 'ave said that I'm ''strong'' for holding on but sometimes I really want to let go

96. When I'm alone I always get moody, distant and sad

97. I (apparently) snap at people easily

98. I like kinds kids under the age of 7, apparently I have a dyslexia of some kind

99. I have an extremely bad memory

100. English is like my second mother tongue and I use a lot of words I've picked from TV series

And here you go.

So I walked into the haze and a million dirty ways

So, this is it. My summer holiday began today which means that primary school is over for me. I've got 2 and a half months to spend like I want and then, in August, I'm off to upper secondary school (high school, you twats). I really don't want to go. If I would've been smart, I would've applied to a school in another town/city but no. Maybe I'm that much of a masochist that I just want to torture myself by going to school here. How the hell am I s'posed to make it out alive there when I don't 'ave anyone left who'd care (not that they normally would, I find it kind of bizarre 'ow people seem to expect me to care but then they can toss me around anyway they like)?

Maybe I 'ave too much time in my hands now. I reckon it's not good for me to be left alone with my thoughts for too long, but what can I do. I 'ave to put this act up because every time someone who I cared for left my confidence crumpled and I started wondering what the fuck is wrong with me. Something 'as to be. And looking back now, I can't understand how the 'ell I pulled through all that? And now... I'm all alone 'ere. I've got no one to talk to (well technically I do but I don't want to bother 'em), I've got no one to spend time with.

I know that when I get out of this fucking town and this country, I'll never come back. Only to visit, I reckon, but I know I won't stick around. I'm so tired of this place, it's wearing me down. I know I'm asking too much and complaining about things I 'ave caused myself but I really can't help it. Writing like this is the only way I can let some of these fucking emotions out without causing any more damage to anyone, and right now I really don't care who gets mad at me and who goes apeshit.

Some people laugh, some people cry

Today I want to tell you something and I'm not naming any names because I know what I'm about to say would upset and hurt them, but if you do recognise yourself then congratulations.

So, I have this mate who gets upset easily and I reckon they need constant asking of 'are you okay' just so that they can say no. I have no ability to feel sympathy or empathy for that matter, not anymore, which is why I find myself struggling with words because I feel they're always over exaggerating their issues. Why am I telling you this? Well, they have said that I can talk to them and stuff, and shouldn't mates ask each other 'are you okay' every once in a while? They never do. And I can't talk to them when I feel bad, upset or something, because I doubt they would listen or care. I tried that once, but they went on about their own issues and I have to say that is extremely hurtful for me.

I can't say anything to them because they get upset so goddamn easily and the least I want is them blaming me for upsetting them. I mean, I'm not a huge fan of people asking me if I'm okay, but I do admit that it would be nice if someone bothered to ask me that, even if just once in a year or something. My parents never do and they jump right into wrong conclusions but I can't talk to them, they get all weird.

Well, anyway, since they're my mate and I respect them and all that, I'm probably just going to suffer in silence or something. I don't mean to cause anyone any grief and if I indeed have (I know I have), I'm sorry for everything I have ever said or done.

--

Is my imagination running away or is all this really happening to me?

So... I've got 9 days of school left altogether (I think so, I don't do maths), which is pretty damn awesome. Then it's all over. This comprehensive school, and then we're all off to wherever we're going - upper secondary school, vocational school... It's kind of funny, I've known some of the people in my class for years, and to think that I won't see most of them next year, or maybe in years, if ever again. I don't have many mates, just a few, so I won't really miss any people particularly. Maybe not the teachers at the school, but the place itself. I don't miss any people or teachers from my elementary school (I reckon I spent some of the worst moments in my life so far there), but I sometimes do miss the place. It's also weird to think that I had my last test in comprehensive school today. It's funny to think about how many tests we've done since the 1st grade.

Well. Now looking back, I reckon I have changed a lot. When I was younger, I couldn't keep my gob shut for more than two seconds, I s'pose, but now... I reckon I don't talk that much. I wouldn't say I'm quiet or shy or anything, I just don't feel like talking much. I like reading. When you read, the book sucks you into its world and you don't have to think about anything else. I also like writing and drawing for the same reasons. I don't know what other people think of me, and I really don't care, but I reckon I could describe myself with words such as anti-social and maybe isolated. I've done that myself, I do realise it, but I can't help but to say that people have done something more than that.

But I'm still me. No matter how much I have changed or how much I will change, I'll always be me. Deep down I'll always be that mouthy, fun-loving laid-back kid who just wants to have fun. Even now, when I'm where I reckon is a deep, dark bottom, I'm still that kid, inside. I can't change that, and I won't. Why should I change myself for someone else?

These days the most present feeling I have is loneliness. It doesn't matter where I am, with who I am, I feel lonely. I feel lonely in a crowded room, I feel lonely with my mate, everywhere. No matter how hard I try, I can't shake that feeling away. It's cruel, innit. To always feel out of place. To always feel you are not wanted, not accepted, no matter where you go. I'd like to get rid of these feelings, maybe all feelings in general. I don't understand them and I definitely don't know what to do with them.

I'm losing too much sleep these days

Today has been a proper bad day, to say the least. It started off alright, however, but then at some point I started being my (apparently) usual, sulky and moody self who snaps at people with no reason. I mean I hate these bloody days, you don't have to say any more than 'hi' to me and I might be attacking you with 'what the fuck are you doing here you twat get well lost' and all that.

Well it's just another bad day among thousands of others like it, so nothing big there. I guess some of it might be because of the new medication, I mean it did say that some side effects might be aggression and anxiety, moodiness probably, I didn't read it dead well but some of it, anyway.

I'm feeling a bit more alright now. I always do when I drink tea, probably that's why I love it so much. I'm currently having a cup (the cup is one of my oldest ones, from my childhood, a Disney one, it has Mickey, Donald, Minnie and Goofy in it, it's proper cute innit) of 'Country Peach Passion' from Celestial. Yummy eh?