Robots for Ronnie

Oh dad, what will we do?

I got another letter from Ronnie's teacher at school

She said, it's almost cruel

None of the other kids think Ronnie's cool

The guys think he's a queer because he doesn't drink beer or watch football

And all the little girls stay away because he's just too fat

A fat little brat

I guess we need robots for Ronnie

A stainless steel group of chums

Robots for Ronnie

A boy and a girl

Maybe an aluminum cat

Every day he's in his room

He doesn't lock the door because he knows it's really no use

I mean, nobody's even been up there

If Ronnie were to blow up, I don't think anyone would care

He doesn't brush his teeth because he never talks to no one

He doesn't wipe his feet because he's never coming in

Comin' in?

I guess we need robots for Ronnie

A stainless steel group of chums

Robots for Ronnie

A boy and a girl

Maybe an aluminum cat

We can talk about the old days

With parties and dances and leads in class plays

But all of the memories he'll have

Are plugging in a friend and shining up a cat

I guess we need robots for Ronnie

A stainless steel group of chums

Robots for Ronnie

A boy and a girl

Maybe an aluminum cat

--

And what was my motive for posting these lyrics? Simple. It's like a mirror of my life (except that I do brush my teeth, I'm not that fat and I do try to wipe my feet if I go somewhere but never mind of that now). But... When I first heard this (it caught my eye because of its title, to be honest), I had to stop, rewind and listen to the lyrics over and over again. Especially the part if Ronnie were to blow up, I don't think anyone would care and none of the other kids think Ronnie's cool.

It spoke to me with the story of a lonely boy, much like myself. And instead of my usual ranting I guess I could tell something about what I've been up to lately, well, that's not much, but anyway. I'm on medication now, so if I seem a bit... bizarre in time being, that's probably because of them. I have been moody, and I haven't been in the mood to start doing anything cool, so I've been playing video games, watching Netflix, reading and writing, mainly. Oh! I've made some progress, though, I have gotten to know a few of my online mates a bit better. You can call that progress, yeah?

But yeah. Physically I am okay at the moment, I'm getting new glasses next week perhaps so I wish that will be the end of some of my headaches. Mentally and emotionally I haven't been 'okay' in a long time, but maybe there's a faint light at the end of my tunnel, too.

And I swear, I'm not going to have a summer job, all I'm going to need next summer is my camera, my laptop, Netflix and maybe some ice cream. And my dog, of course. This was a long post.

What if you lost the one you love the most?

Wanderers this morning came by

Where did they go

Graceful in the morning light

To banner fair

To follow you softly

In the cold mountain air

Through the forest

Down to your grave

Where the birds wait

And the tall grasses wave

They do not

know you anymore

Dear shadow alive and well

How can the body die

You tell me everything

Anything true

In the town one morning I went

Staggering through premonitions of my death

I don't see anybody that dear to me

Dear shadow alive and well

How can the body die

You tell me everything

Anything true

I don't know what I have done

I'm turning myself to a demon

I don't know what I have done

I'm turning myself to a demon

silent as a butterfly

I'm tired... I just wish I could go to sleep and never wake up...

People would often ask me, and probably everyone, what are they afraid of. For a long time I really didn't know what to say. Maybe all those basic things, like snakes and heartbreaks, but in the end, everyone's going to get their heart broken and feelings hurt. So I thought, what am I afraid of? And now, I think I finally have an answer.

I'm afraid of life. I'm afraid of all the things that could happen, are happening and have happened. Life is... scary. Just think of all the diseases you can get, all kinds of assaults and beatings, never mind all the emotional and mental suffering... It's scary. Life is unpredictable. You can be happy one second and dead the next, and you'll never know how it happened.

That's why I would probably give anything if I could stay in my room for the rest of my life and not to face life. I don't want to find out what's going to happen to me in the future, or what isn't. The events that currently take place are bad enough.

Everyone hurts. And often, when they do, they act like they are the only ones who hurt, feel sad and cry. Well, they're not alone. No one can know how someone feels, so you can't go to someone and just say; stop crying, you're not hurting, you're just faking it all. You can never know. You could be the one who pushes those people over the edge, when they lose it. 

People are eager to blame someone, anyone but themselves for their problems. When in reality, often they create them on their own. People can be triggering and they can hurt you, but in the end, it's in your own head. If you choose to be sad and miserable all the time, you are.

And yet, they don't see how their words, such little words and actions, can hurt someone else so much. So much, even years after they wonder what did they do to deserve to hear that, to be called that. 

I can ask these same questions. What did I do to deserve to get bullied for so many years, to hear all those things they said to me? What did I do to deserve to be left alone, to be thrown away like nothing, to be failed by the people I trusted the most? Maybe I'll never know. Or maybe I already do.

It's because I'm selfish and heartless, isn't it? I've heard that so many times I can't even count. Do you just know how it makes you feel when one time after another you're being told that everything you say and do is wrong, it's like you're not even allowed to speak.

So I ask myself, why do I wear that same smile every day? Why do I keep on going, when I feel like just going away. I wouldn't bother coming back. For some people, it'd be a nightmare. A dream for me, honestly. To be... gone, in a far away place where no one can fuck you up. To disappear, leave all the people behind, maybe start something new. 

With scars from the past, is that really possible? Why can't I... work, just like everyone else? Why am I made of pieces that don't fit together like they're supposed to?

I just want it all to go away. I just want to be happy. 

where I've been has faded

this city is just a patient

on life support and pain killers