You are far more likely to be devoured than empowered by your own sense of romance

Song of the day;;

→ Kasabian - Vlad the Impaler

Face check I walk this beach

I'm frying in the heat in the cauldron stir me

Chomp down my diamond teeth I ain't got

The simple things in life I feel like

You have got to witness

This is your last retreat

My last repeat

All my friends are as sharp as razors

Cut you down if you touch the faders

High class girls hung in elevators

Now we have got the floor

Damn!

Get loose, get loose [x8]

You can't miss me I'm still alive

Snake skin shoe'd I'm pleading homicide

Come on and feel this I'm still alive

Joker meet you on the other side

Banshee I hear you call

We need to raise the dead we need to raise the people

Cut throat this blood runs thick

It is true the simple things in life have been lost

You have got to witness

We are the last beatniks

The lost heretics

All my friends are as sharp as razors

Cut you down if you touch the faders

Listen up all you masqueraders

Now we have got the floor

Now we have got the floor

Get loose, get loose [x10]

Get loose, get loose (yeah) [x4]

Get loose, get looser

Die!

Get loose, get loose [x3]

Get loose, get looser

Get loose, get loose [x3]

Get loose, get looser

You can't miss me I'm still alive

Snake skin shoe'd I'm pleading homicide

Come on and feel this I'm still alive

Joker meet you on the other side

[This is your life]

Get loose, get loose [x3]

Get loose, get looser

I can give it all on the first date

Song of the day;;

→ Mogwai - Danphe and the Brain

I find shelter in this way

Song of the day;;

→ Delphic - Remain

Here again, don't give yourself away again

Surrendering some things are better left unsaid

Gone again, I'd settle down, I'd settle down for content

To stay, just finding what's been left behind

Give it all just to get it

You're missing pieces everywhere

Waiting for something better

When nothing ever seems to change

Give it all just to get it

You're missing pieces everywhere

Waiting for something better

A hiding shadow they'll remain

Lost again, my own best friend I don't know

What to say, or who'd be listening

And when it breaks, it breaks in silence I can't carry on

Unchanged, it's only fragments they remain

Give it all just to get it

You're missing pieces everywhere

Waiting for something better

When nothing ever seems to change

Give it all just to get it

You're missing pieces everywhere

Waiting for something better

A hiding shadow they'll remain

A hiding shadow they'll remain

Give it all, I could give it all

Give it all, I could give it all

Give it all, I could give it all

Give it all, I could give it all

All the gold and the guns in the world couldn't get you off

Song of the day;;

→ Enter Shikari - Wall

I'm gonna paste you up

Cover you in wallpaper

Screw shelves into you

And call you a wall

That's all you are to me

Trying to keep people inside

Inside your sordid little house

This is no white abode

You can have skirting board shoes

And plug sockets on your knees

I'll hang a painting on your lip

And put tinsel around it at Christmas

Trying to keep people inside

Inside your sordid little house

Trying to keep people inside

Inside your sordid little house

You can't keep us inside much longer pal

We've seen the view from the window

You can't keep us inside much longer pal

We've seen the view from the window

It's glorious outside

Have you seen the time?

Have you seen the tide?

We'll sing all night

We need cohesion

We need cohesion

As time keeps moving

We keep losing our rights

Freedom is not the choices

Between what job and what car

You can just look back into history

To find corruption and mystery

And if we don't take note

We'll wake up on the same boat

Trying to keep people inside

Inside your sordid little house

Trying to keep people inside

Inside your sordid little house

It's glorious outside

Have you seen the time?

Have you seen the tide?

We'll sing all night

We need cohesion

We need cohesion

Have you seen the time?

Have you seen the tide?

Grit your teeth then break the glass

Now sprint and don't look back

Full pelt into the dense forest and ask him

What's your thoughts on lionizing?

What's your thoughts on tensions rising?

Deep in the dense forest

Trying to keep people inside

Inside your sordid little house

Trying to keep people inside

Inside your sordid little house

Trying to keep people inside

Inside your sordid little house

Trying to keep people inside

Inside your sordid little house

Face check I walk this beach

Song of the day;;

→ Enter Shikari - No Sleep Tonight

And I'm thinking what's the deal

With the facts that they conceal

And I'm thinking what's the harm

In a bit of rhetoric charm

And I can't quite comprehend

A beginning or an end

No I can't quite stomach this

Now

You and me, we're gonna take

To the skies for a common sake

Fly amongst the cirrus clouds

Twenty-thousand feet we'll crack the clouds

From that height will leak the lies

And unveil the damaged skies

'Cause we can't quite stomach this

(All I'm trying to say is)

You're not getting any sleep tonight

You're not getting any sleep tonight

(Getting any sleep, getting any sleep)

(Getting any sleep, getting any sleep)

You're not getting any sleep tonight

(Getting any sleep, getting any sleep)

You're not getting any sleep tonight

Sun and secrets power us

No longer cower in idled lust

Chernobyl is still a stain

Of the dangers of this game

I still can't quite comprehend

A beginning or an end

No I can't quite stomach this

(All I'm trying to say is)

You're not getting any sleep tonight

You're not getting any sleep tonight

(Getting any sleep, getting any sleep)

(Getting any sleep, getting any sleep)

You're not getting any sleep tonight

(Getting any sleep, getting any sleep)

You're not getting any sleep tonight

Well then bark our angry voice to the sun

Or are we ninety million miles

From anything or anyone

What are we waiting for? (x3)

YEAH!

(All I'm trying to say is)

You're not getting any sleep tonight

You're not getting any sleep tonight

(Getting any sleep, getting any sleep)

(Getting any sleep, getting any sleep)

You're not getting any sleep tonight

(Getting any sleep, getting any sleep)

You're not getting any sleep tonight

Well then bark our angry voice to the sun

Or are we ninety million miles

From anything or anyone

Just like the ocean

We won't be pacific anymore

No longer in coexistence 

With other species, this is flawed

(All I'm trying to say is)

You're not getting any sleep tonight

You're not getting any sleep tonight

(Getting any sleep, getting any sleep)

(Getting any sleep, getting any sleep)

You're not getting any sleep tonight

(Getting any sleep, getting any sleep)

You're not getting any sleep tonight

Here again, don't give yourself away again

Song of the day;;

→ Enter Shikari - Juggernauts

And I know that we've still got time

But I do not think we're invincible

And I think that it is a sign

'Cause I do not think we're invincible

Crushing all in its path

Crushing all in its path

Crushing all in its path

Crushing all in its path

Now don't get me wrong I love what you've done with the place

I just wish we had a chance to help build it

Instead of just moving into this home of disrepair

And expect it to work, prosper and then share

Constantly relying on consuming to feel content

But only because we lost touch with this home we've spent

Trillions of dollars paying for our wants and not our needs

And now we're growing tired of planting bleary-eyed seeds

And I'm not saying that we could do better

But given a chance we'd try (we'd try)

We dig up the earth's not won soil

And fill the trench with greedy eyes

(I'd imagine x9)

SWITCH!

And I know that we've still got time

But I do not think we're invincible

And I think that it is a sign

Deep breaths, clenched fists, here comes another jug-ger-naut!

Crushing all in its path

Crushing all in its path

Crushing all in its path

Crushing all in its path

What the hell, what happened now?!

I really don't know, man!

We'll do what we've always done

Shut our eyes and hope for the best

NO! We're gonna face this

And step out onto the tracks

Stare it right in the face

THOU SHALL NOT PASS!

And I know that we've still got time

But I do not think we're invincible

And I think that it is a sign

'Cause I do not think we're invincible

Crushing all in its path

Crushing all in its path

Crushing all in its path

Crushing all in its path

And I know that we've still got time

But I do not think we're invincible

And I think that it is a sign

Deep breaths, clenched fists, here comes another jug-ger-naut!

And I know that we've still got time

But I do not think we're invincible

The idea of community

Will be something displayed in a museum

I'm gonna paste you up

Song of the day;;

→ Local Natives - Sun Hands

I climbed to the top of a hill

But I had just missed the sun

And although the descending arc was gone

Left behind were the traces that always follow along

The most beautiful colours chase the sun

They wrap her trail in a taunting gesture

That seems to sing out loud

''This is what you're missing''

I'll endure the night

For the promise of light

I'll endure the night

For the promise of light

I want to lift my hands towards the sun

Show me warmth

Baby, won't you show me warmth again?

And when I can feel with my sun hands

I'll promise not to lose her again

And even if the morning never comes

My hands are blessed to have touched the sun

I'll endure the night

For the promise of light

I'll endure the night

For the promise of light

And when I can feel with my sun hands

I promise not to lose her again [x4]

I'll endure the night

For the promise of light

I'll endure the night

For the promise of light

And I'm thinking what's the deal

Song of the day;;

→ Goldhawks - Running Away

I got this loud

I got this loud in my ear

A sound

And a vision but it's so unclear

I've seen this, fallen out of hand

I feel my fingers are flat in sand

Somehow I don't think I'm gonna be landing on my feet

No, no, no

I need a minute, give me a minute

I wanna take things down real slow

Give me a minute, give me a minute

I'm not ready to let go

I'm fallin' to your eyes

An intoxicating surprise

That love spot slowly slides down the back of my throat

Oh, this love won't last

Oh, this love won't last the night

A one night stand

A one night stand but it feels alright

It's come to this

How has it come to this, I just don't know

It's come to this

And it's all my fault

That's why I'm running away, running away, from a life I just can't hold

That's why I'm running away, running away

It's better than further down this hole

So I need a minute, give me a minute

I wanna take things down real slow

Give me a minute, give me a minute

I'm not ready to let go

And fallin' to your eyes

An intoxicating surprise

That love spot slowly slides down the back of my throat

Oh, this love won't last

Oh, this love won't last the night

A one night stand

A one night stand but it feels alright

It's come to this

How has it come to this, I just don't know

It's come to this

And it's all my fault

That's why I'm running away, running away

That's why I'm running away, running away

Running away, running away

Running, running, running, running, running away

And I know that we've still got time

Song of the day;;

→ White Lies - Farewell to the Fairground

The lights still in our eyes

We're leaving this whole fairground behind

It's a dream that's going cold

The circus never dies

The act forever haunts these skies

I know we cannot stay

Farewell to the fairground

These rides aren't working anymore

Goodbye to this dead town

Until the ice begins to thaw

This place used to gleam

I see it in my hopeful dreams

Now I had to get away

We move towards the stars

And all that we touch becomes ours

Let's keep warm till it's day

Farewell to the fairground

These rides aren't working anymore

Goodbye to this dead town

Until the ice begins to thaw

We'll head south, just hold my hand now

I feel like I'm casting off my clothes

And I'm running through the snow towards the sunset

And I'm always with you

Keep on running

Keep keep on running

There's no place like home

There's no place like home [x5]

Farewell to the fairground

These rides aren't working anymore

Goodbye to this dead town

Until the ice begins to thaw

We'll head south, just hold my hand now

I feel like I'm casting off my clothes

And I'm running through the snow towards the sunset

And I'm always with you

I climbed to the top of a hill but I had just missed the sun

Song of the day;;

→ Owl City - Vanilla Twilight

The stars lean down to kiss you

And I lie awake and miss you

Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly

But I'll miss your arms around me

I'd send a postcard to you, dear

'Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light blue

But it's not the same without you

Because it takes two to whisper quietly

The silence isn't so bad

'Til I look at my hands and feel sad

'Cause the spaces between my fingers

Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways

Though I haven't slept in two days

'Cause cold nostalgia

Chills me to the bone

But drenched in vanilla twilight

I'll sit on the front porch all night

Waist-deep in thought because

When I think of you I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink

I'll think of you tonight

I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter

And heavy wings grow lighter

I'll taste the sky and feel alive again

And I'll forget the world that I knew

But I swear I won't forget you

Oh, if my voice could reach back through the past

I'd whisper in your ear

''Oh darling, I wish you were here''

I got this loud, I got this loud in my ear

Song of the day;;

→ The Courteeners - You Overdid It Doll

I heard you coming in from town

Stilettos scrape the ground

I saw you in your overcoat

Random on your throat

I know you this is not the girl

That I used to swirl around me

What's happening to you?

What's happening to you?

I love it, I shoot it like a Tommy gun

But you will carry on until the day you are done

You never know when to stop

You'll carry on until you're dead and drop

You will carry on until you're dead and you drop

You overdid it doll

You overdid it doll

You overdid it doll

You overdid it doll

You overdid it doll

You overdid it doll

You overdid it doll

You overdid it doll

Your teeth are starting to go

Five nights a week is starting to show

Dark rings around your eyes

Are fashionable until somebody dies

This pace a little too fast

You're a space cadet dressed in fiberglass

You're gonna shatter, it's not too late to undo

Put the fiddle down, the taming of the shrew

I love it, I shoot it like a Tommy gun

But you will carry on until the day you are done

You never know when to stop

You'll carry on until you're dead and drop

You will carry on until you're dead and you drop

You overdid it doll

You overdid it doll

You overdid it doll

You overdid it doll

You overdid it doll

You overdid it doll

You overdid it doll

You overdid it doll

You will never know when to stop

You'll carry on until you're dead and you drop

You will carry on until you're dead and you drop

I love it, I shoot it like a Tommy gun

But you will carry on until the day you are done

But you will carry on until the day you are done

You overdid it doll

You overdid it doll

You overdid it doll

You overdid it doll

You overdid it doll

You overdid it doll

You overdid it doll

You overdid it doll

The lights still in our eyes

Song of the day;;

→ Local Natives - Wide Eyes

Oh some evil spirit,

Oh some evil spirit this way comes

They told me how they fear it,

Now they're placing it on their tongues

Oh to see it with my own eyes

Oh to see it with my own eyes

No food or water,

For the better part of ten months

Quietly he sat,

Between the folds of a tree trunk

Oh to see it with my own eyes

Oh to see it with my own eyes

All the men of faith,

And men of science have their questions

Could it ever be on Earth,

As it is in Heaven?

Oh to see it with my own eyes

Oh to see it with my own eyes

The stars lean down to kiss you

Song of the day;;

→ White Lies - A Place to Hide

Did I sit alone and ask about my future?

When you replied I just turned away

I've been searching through my books to try and find some truth

Perhaps disguised as a mysterious way

And if I made a promise

Could I stay by your side?

Would you guarantee my safety

And say that I'd be all right?

But if Judgement Day started tonight

At least I'd know I was right

And I'd be laughing at the end of the world

Take my hand tonight, I think we'll be fine, girl

And I can see it on the TV, there's an air attack

People of the mountains screaming I'll be back

And I'm banging on your door so come on and let me in

Need a place to hide, I need a place to hide before the storm begins

If I told you all the times I'd done wrong

Could you bathe my soul and wash it all away?

I can't forgive the things that I can still remember

So I think, my friend, these sins are here to stay

And I could make a promise with a tear in my eye

And all the hope in my heart

But all the doubt in my mind

But if Judgement Day started tonight

At least I'd know I was right

And I'd be laughing at the end of the world

Take my hand tonight, I think we'll be fine, girl

And I can see it on the TV, there's an air attack

People of the mountains screaming I'll be back

And I'm banging on your door so come on and let me in

Need a place to hide, I need a place to hide before the storm begins

Before the storm begins, before the storm begins

Before the storm begins

I need a place to hide before the storm begins

I heard you coming in from town

Song of the day;;

→ Local Natives - Stranger Things

Cold toes, new sheets

Welcomed all the same

We know if we go

It's only temporary

Went away, holiday

Wish they'd linger on

They'll think what they will

We'll stay where we have gone

The glaring lamp's on

Her job is well done

Half asleep, I'm only half won

Old sheets, warm toes

Look away as I leave

New light lays bare

Holds my guilt up to me

I'll toast three cheers

And for work we'll sing

Back to what we do

I've hear stranger things

So turn the lamp off

My wandering eyes stop

Endure the thoughts of

And start where you love

We'll start from where we last left off

The lines that we'll draw

Begin and don't stop

The corners approach

We'll take the best turns

The bends have brought talk

Of what we have learned

Enjoy the chance of

Frozen new grounds

Everything's odd

With beautiful sounds

I've learned to smile

Without a bearing

At least I know I've heard stranger things

Oh some evil spirit, oh some evil this way comes

Song of the day;;

→ Husky Rescue - Wolf Trap Motel [for this you need Spotify because I couldn't find the song on YouTube]

 I welcome you

I welcome you to Wolf Trap Motel

So this will be

So this will be your home and shelter

Your home and shelter

No need to check-in

No need to put your name on papers

And you can leave when

And you can leave whenever you wanted

Whenever you wanted

Leave on Monday

Leave on Tuesday

You leave on Wednesday

Leave on Thursday

Leave on Friday

Leave on Saturday

Leave on Sunday

Leave on Monday

Leave on Tuesday

Leave on Wednesday

Leave on Thursday

Leave on Friday

Leave on Saturday

Leave on Sunday

Did I sit alone and ask about my future?

Song of the day;;

→ We Are Scientists - Rules Don't Stop Me (Acoustic)

Don't be alarmed

It's not the end of the world

If we're breaking the rules it's fine

I disregard this kind of problem all the time

It's not as if it's gonna kill anyone

If there's no victim then there's no crime

Just draw another if you think we've crossed the line

Rules don't stop me

Forget about it

Rules don't stop me

We'll get around it

Rules don't stop me

Forget about it

Don't stop me, don't stop me

Although it may seem unconventional sometimes

Indiscretion is worth a try

If you just play along I promise we'll be fine

So leave your hang-ups back at the door

When you and I are down on the floor

Will you know what to do about it

You know what to do about it

Rules don't stop me

Forget about it

Rules don't stop me

We'll get around it

Rules don't stop me

Forget about it

Don't stop me, don't stop me

It's not as bad as they say

If this is such a mistake

Why does it seem to make you so damn happy?

This is no time to behave

Let's both get carried away

If there's a price to be paid

It won't stop me

Rules don't stop me

Forget about it

Rules don't stop me

We'll get around it

Rules don't stop me

Forget about it

Don't stop me, don't stop me

They don't stop me, they don't stop me

Cold toes, new sheets, welcomed all the same

It's 1.09 am here, and July 16. I am now 16, or actually I have been for almost a week now. Doesn't feel any different. Same old, same old. I'm currently at Ylläs, I've been here for a few days now. I've been hiking/walking, killed my back and legs and couldn't breathe properly. I just remember I 'ave this old blog with a mate of mine, so I checked it out a bit and felt kind of... sad. The texts I used to write there are short, but they sound so happy and carefree. What went wrong?

But that aside, before I hit the sheets, I want to talk about my (apparent) pyromania.

I've always found fire fascinating. Ever since I was a wee lad, I loved watching fire, in the fireplace, in the sauna, wherever. I always thought it'd be well mint to see a proper fire. And I always wondered what would it be like to burn down a building. I secretly dreamed about burning down my old school. I loved burning my old papers and textbooks in a fireplace at a beach near my house.

My family has a tradition to burn some old things a few times per year, and I've always liked it. I've always loved watching the things burn, and I wondered what would it feel like to burn, or to burn someone. I like water, too, but I never found it as fascinating as the flames and smoke.

Sometimes I just want to watch the small flame from a lighter. When I was younger, my mate and I went to that beach to burn some papers, and once we bought a bottle of hairspray with us. It was beautiful, the way the hairspray made the fire go.. boom. The table where we one night burned a plastic file is still there, and whenever I look at the marks, I see the flames and I quite like that memory.

I like the warmth the fire gives. When other people moved away from a fire, I wanted to go closer. One day something inside me just clicked.. All the urges to burn things down came rushing back, and they were hard to tame.

I used to cut myself, as a way of self-harm. I've always found blood very fascinating, too. But I figured it wasn't... enough. The problem was easily solved, though. I stopped cutting, even if all the razors and blades still exist. With my obsession with fire, I put two and two together and started burning myself as a method of self-destruction. It hurts, it burns, but it gives me a satisfaction cutting never gave me.

Everyone knows I love fire and it's no secret. And now, not even the fact that sometimes I hurt myself, isn't one anymore. But to be honest, I couldn't care less who knows.

I welcome you, I welcome you to Wolf Trap Motel

So. It's my birthday today, and since it's (only) 22.36 (10.36 pm), I am not 16 just yet. The exact time is 22.55, so I still have a few minutes to be 15. I had an enjoyable day. I went shopping with my family and I got presents for me (who else would?) and it was nice. But I don't know. I mean, every day that seems to be okay, it's not, and in the evening/night when I'm alone the loneliness and everything just overwhelms me and I can't think anything else than people who have mates and loved ones, and despite them. Or maybe just be jealous, I don't know.

I don't want to go to school. I really don't. Not here, anyway. Lately I've been regretting not applying anywhere else, but what can I do, I was an idiot. Oh well, I could always drop out, but I don't want to do that, really, because I know it would upset my parents. And because I am not the perfect child, I do not want to let them down once again.

I'm stuck between the person I am and the person who I want to be. I don't really know who I am. I'm me, and I hate to label and categorise myself, I just can't fit anywhere. I don't belong anywhere. Why can't I just stay in my room for the rest of my life. It's the only place where I feel safe, where I don't feel anxious about everything.

I hate feeling like this, especially now. It's my birthday, for fuck's sake. I should be happy and enjoying life, but quite frankly, I am not. At moments like these it seems really bizarre to think that I'd make it to my 20th birthday. Or even 18th or 17th, for crying out loud.

Kinda makes me wonder, am I really one of those people who are destined to live in unhappiness and loneliness? Like, is there anyone who's meant to be with me, or have I done something so bad I must be punished for it for the rest of my life? I don't really know if my parents know that I am lonely. Maybe they do, or maybe they don't. I haven't said anything. I don't feel like saying it. It's like admitting defeat.

Well. I think I'm gonna go away because I bet no one actually reads these and no one actually gives a fuck. I'm tired.

Happy 16th birthday to me.

Don't be alarmed, it's not the end of the world

Hey everyone. It's currently 0.27 (or 12.27 am), the 9th of July. My birthday is tomorrow, it's mint, like I said, but it's a sad thought that (if not counting my family), it's just another day alone. I can admit that I am jealous of people who have mates to hang out with, and it kills me to spend every day alone. I used to have mates to hang out with, but I don't know... It's like everyone just... forgot about me. It's like I don't exist. Like I am here, but I mean nothing.

I know that's probably not the case, but it feels like it. It makes me sad to look at old photos and it makes me think just what the hell happened? What the hell happened to me? I've never been overly social, nope, but I used to be able to go places without being anxious about it weeks before. I like being alone, but I hate being lonely. The world is outside, and I am scared to go beyond my window. I can see the world passing me by here, but I do nothing about it.

Why? Because I'm a coward, that's why. 

I'm just scared that everything will go wrong in the future and I'm scared of losing everyone and I'm scared of losing my mind in the process. I don't want to be like this forever. It feels like the world is a bus and I always miss it, no matter how fast I run, and if I do make it, I get off at the wrong stop or I forgot to get off completely. 

In a way I've always been alone somehow. I've always been different, I never fit in. I don't want to be like everyone else, though, but I wonder, is it worth all this? When people tell me about how they do all kind of things, I always try to listen and share the joy, but I can't. It makes me hate myself even more. I'm selfish, I've been told that for years but all I really want is to be happy, to feel loved (by someone else than my parents).

It hurts now, but I hope I can pull up. And if, no, when I do, I want to be stronger than I ever have been.

I know your face all too well, still I wake up alone

So. I'm not sure if I have something to write about, I just felt like it. But let's start with some basics before that, yeah? I turn 16 next week. I'm not sure how I feel about it, it's mint and all that but then again it means another new period of time is starting and I am scared of the future. School starts in about a month and I am dead sure I can't cope. Just the thought of that heart-wrenching loneliness makes me want to jump off a bridge (like my godmother apparently did, funny thing see I haven't heard anything from her in years and then my dad says oh hey did you know your godmother's dead). It makes me want to burn everything.

Apart from that, I haven't done anything remarkable during this summer holiday. It's been over a month, and all I've been doing is losing sleep and spending too much time on the computer. Last night was one of them nights and I slept for 4 hours. There's just something that keeps me awake, maybe I want the time to go slower so that I don't have to face things I dread. Or maybe it's just them thoughts in my head, keeping me awake.

I've been popping pills for a while now, and they haven't had any positive effects. Not yet, at least. I got some stronger ones, and even if they're supposed to help me to sleep, too, they haven't. I do not want to regain happiness with pills only, I just want to be able to do something without pushing myself too hard. These days I can't even start things even if I wanted to, something inside me keeps saying; What's the point?

The future is scary, and for many reasons. Things won't happen in years and still I wonder, how will I survive when my dog passes away, can I go study in the UK after upper secondary school and so on. I cannot bear the thought of having to let go of my dog one day. She means the world to me and and even the thought of being here without her forms oceans in my eyes.

For the longest time, I thought that the hardest question for me to answer would be; What are you afraid of? But now I realise, I've come to the point where the hardest one to answer is; What do you like about yourself or what are you good at. Fuck that, I've been here for a long time, all I am is a fake. All I am is an act, a scene of confidence. When really, my self-esteem is at an all time low and I can't confide in anyone because a) they don't give a flying fuck or b) they have their own problems and I am insignificant.

I like being alone but I hate being lonely. For a while now all I've felt around people is lonely. And stuck. Everyone is moving on with their lives and I'm stuck in the past, I'm stuck somewhere between where everything fell down and where everything fell apart. It's a dark, deep and cold ocean of despair and I can't seem to pull myself up.

I always thought, I always swore I wouldn't be the one to feel down, sad, lonely. Being that cheerful kid I was with a gob I couldn't keep shut, I didn't think for a moment that I'd become this shell with empty eyes and fake smiles, the one who never talks. The one who felt too much and started to shut down.

But it's just this age, innit? Probably every teenager is in some way like this so how could I ever be anything special? How could I have thought I was?